Are You Ready For A New Man?

Are you looking for a man to cure your loneliness? Are you dating because you need security? Do you need a man to feel better about your life? If you answered yes to any of these then stop looking for a man immediately! Most women have difficulty dealing with change, especially a change in their love life. When one relationship ends, many women immediately get into another relationship too soon to get back to that familiar life. But how do you know if you are ready for a new relationship? Here are some signs that you need to put the brakes on looking for a new man:

• You are afraid of being hurt and humiliated in an intimate relationship.


• You don't believe that you will find true love or happiness.


• You feel unworthy.


• You feel you can't be yourself.


• You live with guilt or shame.


• You believe that you are not as smart as your peers.


• You believe something is wrong with you.


• You lack self-assurance.


• You are not a priority in your own life.


• You feel you have no control over your life.


• You feel you are "damaged goods".

If you share any of the feelings in the list above, then you are not ready to be in a relationship.
Take time to heal, change the way you feel, and love yourself. Before you enter into a new relationship, you need to work on the most important relationship in your life; the relationship you have with yourself.


Make sure you are ready for a new relationship. Any "baggage" from the last relationship has to be "checked". However, it is important to learn from your last relationship.


There are many great books and workshops on understanding the opposite sex and bringing lasting love to your relationships. Have fun doing some research and personal growth so that you find the soul mate that brings out the best in you!


– Debbie Stein, Motivational Counselor

http://www.womandivorcesupport.com/divorce-articles/dating-after-divorce/are-you-ready-for-a-new-man

The Divorcee Guide: How to Attract Mr. Right

Your divorce is final. Now, your friends are telling you that it’s time to start dating again. You want to attract Mr. Right.

If you are truly intent on attracting Mr. Right, you might wish to check the following Inventory List to ensure that you are doing what you have to do, to achieve your goal.
You are emotionally stable. You have made peace with your history and are comfortable with who and what you are.

You have no chemical addictions which could impede your clarify of thought and action.
You have made a list of the ingredients of your perfect man. Itemize those qualities that are a priority, and qualities that are of lesser importance.

Evaluate the demands of your life. Consider how Mr. Right is going to fit into your life, and any considerations that are relevant.

Evaluate your person and what you have to offer, to Mr. Right. Be confident but also be honest, with yourself. If you expect an extremely physically fit partner, you should probably anticipate that this person will expect you to be somewhat physically fit, as well.

Let’s be honest; first impressions are important. If you are stuck in a beauty rut, it’s time to enter a new phase, and that might mean a change in your skin care regime, a new hair color, or some new clothes. Glowing skin and a smile can work wonders!

Believe in yourself, and specifically, believe in the power of attraction. Feel confident that you will meet the man that is right for you.

Anticipate and expect that Mr. Right should cherish you. You deserve it.

Positive thoughts are important. However, you also have to take action. Make an effort to socialize and interact with a wider circle of persons. Enjoy a new hobby. Even if Mr. Right is not actually in your yoga class, he may be introduced to you via the new girlfriend that you meet, stretching next to you.

If you meet men whose goals are incompatible with your own, drop them from your list of potential partners. If you want to meet a stable man for marriage, and you happen to meet a fun-loving, bar-hopping womanizer, you can be friends with him- but do NOT think that you can change him.

Have fun with the process of dating until you meet your Mr. Right.
http://www.womandivorcesupport.com/divorce-articles/dating-after-divorce/the-divorcee-guide-how-to-attract-mr-right

Never Too Late: Entering College as a Non-Traditional Student

If you are single mom and found that you had to give up going back to school to care for your children, you aren't the only one. Single women do it all the time in order to raise their children. However as children grow up and go to school themselves, single mothers want the chance as well to go back to school. Whether it is to finish where they left off or get continuing education. Sometimes its not as easy to make the transition back to school if you are older but they are plenty others doing the same thing.
Whether you're a part-time student, an adult student, or a transfer student, according to your university, you are a "non-traditional student." This title is nothing to concern yourself with and won't cause you to carry the scarlet letter "A;" according to research, there are six million non-traditional students nationwide. And in some ways, it can be to your benefit. First, let's take a look at the three main categories of non-traditional students:

1. Part-Time Student: Most universities require a student to take 12 credit hours per semester to be considered full time. Some students have full time jobs that require their schedule to be only partly open for classes. These students are attending the school with less than 12 credit hours, and can be taking as little as one course at a time.
2. Adult Student: Circumstances beyond one's control as well as decisions made after high school can cause an individual not to consider higher education promptly after high school graduation. Years later, they return to universities to pursue a degree of interest. These students are referred to as "Adult Students," since their ages may exceed that of most of their classmates.
3. Transfer Student: A student that has completed the first two years of college at a community college, to then complete the rest at a university, is labeled as a transfer student. Generally, transfer students have finished or are closed to finishing the "General Education" requirements the university holds, a standard two-year program.

Other categories include distance learners and members of the military. Each of the types of non-traditional students have needs that differ from group to group, and most importantly, needs that differ from traditional students. Here, some tips to prep non-traditional students along the way:

Time is of the Essence: All categories of non-traditional students understand one thing: in order to get their degrees, they cannot afford to waste money, and more so, precious time. With other responsibilities (families, jobs, bills, etc.), taking a class 'for the fun of it' may not be an option in their degree-seeking expenditure. This is where counseling becomes crucial. Set an appointment with the college of your choice's advising department and come prepared. Here are a few things to have a good idea about:

1. The direction you want to go in. Having a general idea of what majors interest you can help an advisor tackle your true potential and the exact courses to get you there.
2. Your class standing. Whether you've taken the accredited two-year program prior or never had a class in any type of college, make sure you have the information your advisor needs. This can include transcripts from high school and college.
3. Your testing history. Changes with every college, but look into what your particular university requires before admission or graduation. Some common tests to have under your belt may be the SAT, ACT, CLEP, and CLAST. Skim official websites for the testing requirements and study materials. Many of these tests have variable availabilities, including weekend and online test dates that can suit your limited time and busy lifestyle.

Financial Aid: It's rare to find students of any age that can afford their college careers all on their own. Most need some form of financial assistance -- and with the rising cost of tuition, textbooks, and living, it's no surprise that a financial aid office can be as busy the first week back to campus as the streets of New York City at rush hour. Here's another place you'll want to plan ahead. Notice how many times this article tells you to be prepared and plan ahead -- two crucial elements in creating a smooth transaction into a university as a non-traditional student. According to FurtherYourEducation.com, "One thing to consider is that many campuses allow students to divide their payments over the course of the semester for a small fee. Paying as you go may help you better afford the cost of your education." There are also other sources non-traditional students can receive funding from:

1. Scholarships & Grants: Truth is, scholarships and grants tend to be very competitive and on a needs-basis. However, if you search long and hard enough, you will come across many scholarships that are available, even some to your specific situation (non-traditional student). Search the web, and sites like www.fastweb.com, , to see if there are any that apply to your specific genre of nontraditional students or even just general scholarships. Also look into filling out the FASFA form for more chances at grants and subsidized / unsubsidized loans.
2. Military Service Benefits: The Department of Veterans' Affairs, as well as other government agencies, have educational aid available for those who have served in the military, as well as spouses and children of veterans. Check into www.va.gov for more information.
3. Employee Reimbursement Programs: Some jobs pay their employees to go back to school. Can be a rare find, but check into your place of employment. You never know, it could be implemented based on your suggestion.

Other Tips to Help Non-Traditional Students:

• Some schools offer free workshops that you can take advantage of. Returning to school after many years can be challenging. Workshops can help you on everything from brushing up on study skills to learning how to use the internet class system. Look into your particular school and see what their academic offices offer.
• As you know, the decision to return to school will create a major life change. What you want to make sure happens pre-attendance is a discussion with your family on adjustments that may need to be made. The balance of family, work, and school can be overwhelming; be prepared for any situation by discussing what may change and how to handle it. Create a timetable weekly schedule so your family knows when your classes are and when you will be studying/doing homework.
• Remember that organization is vital. With juggling so many tasks, you'll want to invest in a quality day planner. Write down reminders of projects, exams, and assignments due, so you aren't surprised when others are handing theirs in to the professor. Speaking of your peers, seek out at least three students and swap phone numbers and/or e-mail addresses. That way, if you have questions on certain assignments or chapters, or if you were to miss a day, you can get the rundown from them.
• Consider buying a laptop. This can be an excellent way to keep organized and multitask brilliantly. Say you have to take your child to a dentist appointment with a long wait time. While sitting in the waiting room, you can bring your laptop and work on assignments or studying.
Congratulations on your educational endeavor -- deciding to head back to school after years in the workforce or as another form of non-traditional student can be challenging, but you will reap the benefits later in life. After all, you can never be "too" educated, so enjoy the wealth of knowledge you seek and gain!

For more information pertaining to college resources please visit www.studentfinancialguide.com.

Kelly Kennedy from www.singlemotherresources.com is the Communications Specialist for MindComet Corporation, a full service marketing agency for Fortune 500 companies and international conglomerates. 

Original Post: http://www.singlemom.com/EducationAndCareer/kk_Never_Too_Late_Entering_College_as_a_Non_Traditional_Student.aspx

Keep 'Em Off My Couch

Every year over one million parents have to talk to their kids about divorce. For each parent, the discussions  differ, but the goals of the discussions are universal: to openly and honestly reassure your child of your love.
Divorce is painful and traumatic for all involved - spouses and children alike. We all happily begin our lives together full of shared hopes and dreams and committed to a lasting and loving relationship. Yet almost 50 % of today's marriages end in divorce. How parents handle divorce, however, makes the difference in their children's healthy adjustment or potential maladjustment.
Here's an example of how to begin talking to your child about your divorce.
Let's meet Brad: Brad is 9 years old and an only child. He's the apple of his mother's eye and dad's best buddy. Brad is at the top of his class in school and participates in the school band and in the spelling bee. He's also an active athlete - playing intramural hockey and soccer, and running competitively. Both of his parents attend all of his sports and school activities.
One day to his surprise Dad takes him out after a soccer game and tells him "I have something sad to tell you. Mom and I are having a hard time, and you may have noticed something wasn't right between us, and you are right. We're going to live in different houses and you'll be spending some of the week with me and some with your Mom. I know this will be difficult for all of us. So we should talk about it openly together and about what we're both feeling."
Discussing divorce with your children is never easy. Here are some tips to help ease this transition.
1. Communicate with your spouse: Although things have not worked out in the marriage, the two of you still have children to raise together. Be sure you both are in agreement as to the timeline of the change and give your children clear dates and details. The more solid the plan, the less anxiety your child will experience.
2. Use age appropriate language and details: A five-year-old and ten-year-old understand very different  things and have different levels of maturity. Follow their questioning before offering details. Be honest, but remember what is appropriate for the age of the child or they will not comprehend the situation.
3. Reassurance: Reassure them that they will continue to be loved and cared for by the two of you. Let your children know that your love for one another has changed, but that your love for them remains strong and constant. Reiterate that the divorce is not their fault.
4. Discretion: Make an agreement with your spouse to not speak badly about the other spouse to the children. Refrain from arguing in front of the children and do your best to keep them out of your conflict!
5. Know yourself: Be aware of your own feelings of hurt or anger. Do not make a child a confidant for the pain the divorce is causing you. Seek a support group to help you through this period. Share your feelings with friends and professionals. Children are not therapists!

Always remember: Strive to be communicative and honest during and after the divorce process because there will be different degrees of feelings over the event as time goes on. If you're communicating honestly, however, you can never hurt your child.

by Dr. Charles Sophy, author of the "Keep `Em Off My Couch" blog, provides real simple answers for solving life's biggest problems. He specializes in improving the mental health of children. To contact Dr. Sophy, visit his blog at http://drsophy.com.

http://www.christian-mommies.com/special-features/just-for-moms/helping-your-kids-handle-divorce

My Success As a Single Mom

After a divorce, you can mend the torn fabric of your family's life.

Birds chirped outside the window in the branches of the flowering locust tree. Spring hung in the air but not in my heart. I sat in the second row of the classroom watching my oldest daughter, 5-year-old Ashley, file into the room with the other students dressed for their preschool graduation.

The ceremony began. I scarcely heard a word, however, as I watched my child and wondered how the events of the previous 18 months would affect her. Her dad had left our home when Ashley was 3, her sister, Courtney, was 1 and I was pregnant with her brother, Clint. My mind retraced the events. Afraid to face what lay ahead on my own, I had surrendered my life to Christ. I prayed, "I give You not just this situation, but I give You my whole life."

Then I had read everything I could get my hands on and pulled godly people around me for counsel. In Love Life for Every Married Couple, author Ed Wheat talked about three options every couple face during crises in marriage: get divorced, remain in a bad situation or stay together and make things better. I had chosen to stay, but eventually my husband served me divorce papers.

The teacher in front of me finished her words, then had the children stand to receive their diplomas: "Now students, take your diplomas to your parents."

Ashley stood, head held high. She reached with enthusiasm to accept her certificate, then she walked toward me, smiling. She stopped and turned toward the rear of the room where her dad sat. She headed toward him. She stopped again and turned back toward me. Her eyes met mine, and in that moment I saw every question and hurt and uncertainty she felt over her home breaking apart. What do I do? Whom do I run to? Where do I belong? I smiled and nodded for her to take the diploma to her dad, her quandary fixed for the moment.

Ashley has just turned 18. Long ago she outgrew her yellow bows, and her little curls have turned to long brown tresses. She will soon graduate again, this time from high school. How have I managed to raise her and her siblings by myself for more than 14 years?

I found help. I couldn't do it alone, so I found other people to fill in the blanks. Neighbors picked up kids from school, church youth groups provided Christian influence and coaches taught athletic skills with that manly touch. Along the way, I discovered that I had to make my needs known and ask for assistance.

I sought mentors. Not only did my children need mentors, I needed them, too. I watched for older women who could listen, pass on godly wisdom and hold me accountable. I also kept my eye open for adults and older children to connect with each of my kids. Before I knew it, I had become a mentor to other single moms and dads new to the journey.

I shook off the guilt. I did all I could do to keep my marriage from breaking apart. Sure, I'd made mistakes, but I could, without remorse, move forward after I'd taken sufficient time to heal. I also worked hard to remember I could only do so much and then let the rest go. I also had to remember that I could never become a dad to my kids, only the best mom I could ever be.

I forgave. Yes, I'd had awful things done to me, and at one point I could without hesitation relate chapter and verse of all the bad things. But no more. As long as I held onto all that stuff, I kept myself imprisoned by them. One day I sat at a table and named every rotten thing that my husband had ever done to me, and I laid down a slip of paper to represent each infraction. Then I picked each reminder up one by one and prayed to forgive. When I finished the last one, I threw the papers away. That freed me to move on. Throughout the process, I worked also to forgive myself for mistakes I had made.

I spent time with my kids. My children weren't impressed with my college degrees or my publishing or my name in the community. Instead, their mom was great because she was there for them. She listened and loved and understood. I've tried to always keep that in perspective and remember that my children are my most important job on earth.

I accepted the fact that I wouldn't do everything right. I have lost my patience, acted unwisely, made poor choices and given wrong guidance. All I could expect from myself was the best I could do. This became an enormous pressure relief.

I nurtured my faith. Knowing that God would be with me all the time brought me comfort when I felt most alone. I have made sure to nurture that relationship in the years since, both through church and through new relationships I have found.

God has truly remained faithful to me and my family over these years, and He will continue to guide us to the end of the journey. Yet there's still a degree of sadness in my heart. I've given my children the best of everything I could at home, school and church. But I can never give them solid tools for loving and for resolving conflict that come from two parents committed to keeping their home together. To try to mend the torn places in a child from a divorced home is similar to patching a torn piece of fabric: It can be repaired, but it will never be like new.

Ashley recently ran in her cross-country regionals and won first place. My heart swelled with the same pride I have known since my first hour of becoming a mom. But as I watched her cross the finish line, I felt another all-too-familiar emotion, which caused me to pause. Ashley stumbled toward her dad and leaned on his shoulder as he helped her walk out the strenuous race she had just run. She looked over at me, despite her pain, and I saw that same look of uncertainty I had seen in her face at age 5. What do I do? Whom do I run to? Where do I belong?

If I could accomplish one thing with my life, it would be to stamp out divorce. I have seen the devastation it causes. I know why God says in Malachi 2:16, "I hate divorce." He knows and I know that divorce is not the way it was meant to be — not for the mother or the father or the children.

by Lynda Hunter

Original Post :http://www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechallenges/relationship_challenges/divorce/my_success_as_a_single_mom.aspx

How Can The Single Mom Do It?

More and more moms are finding themselves left without a spouse and handed all the responsibility of raising a family. A recent news report stated that the number of single-parent households has actually doubled in just the last 20 years. For most single mothers, that means working a job full-time and parenting full-time. That's quite a load, to say the least.

From watching my single mother as I was growing up, and from witnessing the lives of many women who are in that situation now, four things stand out as essentials if you're going to succeed, not just survive, as a single mom.

1. Strive to have a positive attitude.
Attitude is everything. It affects both mental and physical health, and it largely determines whether you succeed or fail. People who think they can, usually can. People who don't think they can, usually can't—whatever the issue at hand, whatever the demand. You must have a positive attitude if you want to succeed. But single moms can become weighed down with emotions that are like strikes against them when it comes to choosing their attitude.

One strike can be anger. Anger because they're alone. Anger toward their ex-husband. Anger because the world isn't fair. Anger because they have to struggle at a job and then go home and be both a mom and a dad to their children. Anger because people just don't understand the unrelenting demands that pull at them day in and day out, all week and all weekend.

A second strike may be resentment. Unresolved anger can become resentment toward others. Very often it's misdirected and becomes aimed at parents, friends, or churches who may not have had a role in events or any power to sway them. Resentment hurts both the person who feels it and those around her.

Sometimes we feel as if we deserve to carry around bitter feelings. Letting go can feel like saying, "It really doesn't matter so much." But we feel just the opposite. It does matter so much. And it hurts so much. But not dealing with anger and resentment is like covering a boil, hoping it will simply go away. It won't. It will only fester, grow, spread, and erupt in other places. And the pain will only increase.

You don't really deserve to carry around your anger and bitterness. You deserve to be free of it. Letting it go doesn't mean it didn't matter. It just means it isn't worth the cost of hanging on to the infection. Striving to have a positive attitude is like sunshine and fresh air. It's cleansing. It lightens your load. It strengthens and renews health. That's what you really deserve.

Julie is a young, single mom and the sweetest person you could ever meet. You look at her and think. The husband who abandoned her should have his head examined. She didn't deserve that.
When her husband first left, Julie was overwhelmed with grief and the responsibility of caring for her two early-teen children alone. She struggled with feelings of rejection, fear, and devastation.

Her turning point toward renewed health and successful living came, she says, when she decided to lay aside her anger and despair and take positive responsibility for providing a secure home for her children. She knew it wouldn't be easy, but she was determined to do the job and do it well.

Julie realized she couldn't do the job alone, however, so she got involved with a support group through her church. From other members she learned coping skills and gained understanding help. For her emotional health, she went to counseling and took classes. She even got training to help other women in the same situation.

It was difficult for Julie to quit blaming her former husband for her struggles and take this kind of responsibility. It required some heavy-duty anger resolution. But in the process, she became free to enjoy life again.

Julie works hard to provide a healthy environment for her kids, being there for them when she's not at her job, making financial sacrifices to give them opportunities for development—and all with a positive outlook on life. She has also found mentors to give them a constant, healthy male presence. She made the kids' daytime caregiver a friend of the family so she's not just "the sitter." And for the children's sake, she has tried to maintain as good a relationship as possible with their father. Julie's life as a single mom takes extra effort day after day. But with determination and a positive attitude, she's making it.

The same can be true for you. Take heart. Strive to have a positive attitude. Get help in doing that if you need it. But begin to look at your situation in a different light, and make something of it that will count.

2. Refuse to give in to comparisons.
Comparisons can be deadly. First, they're usually shortsighted and incorrect. You never see the whole story. You don't know what other people may be dealing with. Anyway, we're each unique. None of us is alike, so why are we always comparing ourselves to one another?

When we make comparisons, we begin to have expectations. And often, those expectations are unreasonable. Just as a poor family can't expect to have a house and car as nice as those of their more-well-to-do neighbors, you can't expect to produce the same energy and creativity around the house as your married, stay-at-home friend next door. That's just not realistic. The best advice is to use your mental and physical energy determining how to make the most of your situation, not focusing on comparisons or expending all your efforts trying to match someone else's standard of living.

A friend went flying in a small plane with his son. Something happened aboard the plane that caused it to go down. Our friend, Mick, survived. His son did not. As a result of his loss, he often says, "Things wouldn't be so hard if we didn't expect them to be so easy."

Things won't be so difficult for you as a single mom if you don't expect them to be easy. Refuse to make the comparisons. Refuse to buy into the expectations of keeping up with someone else, of having everything they have. The truth is, you won't be able to do everything. You may not have all you want or once had. But that's okay. Our lives are not measured in our abundance of things.

3. Never give up.
When you give up, you quit fighting. When you quit fighting, you lose. Never give up, because only by hanging in will you win. Determination is necessary to overcome any obstacle, any challenge, any handicap. Whenever something doesn't work out, you have to try again. Maybe from a different angle, maybe in a different way, but you have to keep trying.

I used to play tennis with June. June had only one hand, so tennis was a big challenge for her. Imagine learning to toss the ball in the air and then hit it with a racket, all using one hand. That's how she served. It wasn't easy. It took more energy than the normal way. But she never gave up, and she became an excellent player.

4. Nurture your soul.
All of us need a resource outside ourselves. And everyone needs to go to that source for nourishment and refreshment. Nurture your soul. Refresh it. Don't neglect the needs of your innermost being. For our family, our source has been God Himself.

Back in that little migrant shack, my mother nurtured her soul from the Bible every day. When there was no soap for the washing machine. Mom would remind us that God would provide. When things were especially hard, she would rehearse for us how good God was, how He would never leave us. When my father became abusive and she was in physical danger, she would reflect on God's promises and remind us that He knows all things. Though we had almost nothing, she would assure us we had all we needed.

Imagine the inner strength she must have had to endure those hard days. That strength remained constant because she nurtured her soul. And imagine the foundation it gave her three children. We saw what really mattered. We saw how to lay a foundation to support us against anything we would ever face in life. We learned where to go for our own inner strength. And what security and emotional stamina that built into us!

How can the single mom do it? It's not an easy road. Strive to have a positive attitude. Refuse to give in to comparisons. Never give up. And nurture your soul. For my mother, that meant reading her Bible, believing God was big enough to deal with her problems, and then choosing to live like it. I pray these will be your resolutions too. They work!

by Linda Weber, excerpted from "Mom, You're Incredible!", Broadman and Holman Publishers

Original Post: http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3577185&content_id={967388D7-B23A-416F-A06C-B3C94581FA8F}&notoc=1

P.U.S.H. (Pray Until Something Happens)

Pray Until Something Happens

I was out with old friends the other night, and noticed a handmade bracelet on my friend's wrist. It had beads with the letters P.U.S.H. on them. I asked him what it meant, but he didn't tell me until a couple of days later...

[me] "Its funny...you didn't tell me what that meant Saturday night, but the timing is better now for me to hear it. God has been encouraging me to believe in something and pray with expectation. Just a little moment of confirmation from Him that I'm on the right track. I want to be led by faith, not fear, but sometimes what you are surrounded by makes it hard to believe there's joy on the other side. Life sucks right now and sometimes I feel like I can't take anymore, but I try to remain faithful and hope that God will eventually bless me with the desires of my heart. Thank you for sharing that with me. Ive missed you my friend. God bless!"

[friend] "I know life has been tough on you lately but it will get better."

Remember that God wants us to be happy and has given us all the blessings we need so its just up to us to bring those blessings into our lives by letting love guide our thoughts and actions. I strongly suggest that you not only pray with expecation but that you pray with great expectations.

"I know its tough but hang in there kiddo."

Here is an article on the subject:

The way to get real-life results in prayer is to seek God with an attitude that says, “No matter how long it takes, or whatever I have to do, I will not be denied.” This is not arrogance, it’s Godly hunger. It is not about pushing God, but about pushing yourself into God. This is not praying for the sake of praying. This is praying to see the hand of God move. This is desperate hungry praying. This is the type of prayer that gets answers.
Faith takes two things, the written scriptures and the spoken personal word of God. The scriptures show us the general will of God and communicate the conditions that must be met to see His hand move. His spoken personal word reveals His will to us, and let’s us know when we have met those conditions. The goal is to hear God confirm His promise and let Him place His witness into our heart. The promise then comes alive and becomes a reality to us. This reality is ‘the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not (yet) seen’ (Hebrews 11:1).

This seeking turns the general promises of God into personal realities. This is when we work the word and the word works in us. Seeking God merges the word of God and the will of God into our lives. We become one with the word. This is what Jesus was referring to when He said, “If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, (you shall) ask whatever you will, and it will be done for you.” (John 15:7) This faith process turns desires into Bible hopes, and Bible hopes into real life realities. It is not easy, but it is never impossible. Anybody with enough hunger can make it happen.

The process takes time, and there are no shortcuts. God does not respond to part-time seekers. He is only found by those who seek Him with their whole heart. The Bible says that, ‘You must be diligent so as to realize the full assurance of hope, so that you will receive the promise’ (Hebrews 6:11). Growing faith is hard work, for the Bible goes on to say, ‘Don’t be sluggish but be imitators of those who through faith and patience have inherited the promises’ (Hebrews 6:12).

Pray till you receive an answer from God, for when you do, you will have the victory. You must persevere until you get to a place where you are ‘fully assured that what God has promised, He is able also to perform’ (Romans 4:21). When you hear Him you have the answer, for Paul says, “Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the (spoken) word of God’ (Romans 10:17). The word translated ‘word’ here is the Greek word rhema and it speaks to a personal face-to-face type of communication. He is not talking about a mere reading of the word. This is deeper. This is God making the word on the page come alive in your heart. The word on the page must become the word in your heart before you can have enough faith to receive from God.

Then, and only then, can you speak faith’s victory out of your mouth. That is the only kind of speaking that makes a difference. This kind of speaking will move mountains. Seek Him till you get it. Jesus told us that in prayer we should always pray and not faint. Don’t give up. Seek Him till you hear His voice. Let Him deal with your heart, for as you do, He will speak your answer.

Source:  http://hopefaithprayer.com/pray-until-something-happens

7 Qualities of Successful People

1. They were all FOCUSED on a goal.

2. They were PREPARED for the task.

3. They demonstrated CURIOSITY and unique CREATIVITY.

4. They were RISK TAKERS.

5. They were PERSERVERING.

6. They were INDEPENDENT.

7. They had a HIGHER sense of PURPOSE.

"According to your faith will it be done to you." Matthew 9:29

Drained Batteries & Real Love

This morning's chat with a friend

[friend] "After this week, I have a much greater appreciation for you mothers. I clearly understand how the constant emotional stress of raising several children can wear you down. You mothers deserve one day completely off per week and one weekend off per month. We fathers have it easy. All we have to do is go to work. If we do not like the people we work with, we have the liberty to go elsewhere. You mothers do not have that liberty. Amen for mothers!"

[me] "Yes, it is very difficult...and most of the work and struggles we go through go unrecognized and unappreciated. Unfortunately, we are often also isolated from the very things that would refresh and energize us, so that we can be the wife and mother we truly desire to be. Things like: alone time, romantic (not sex) time with our husbands, and fun time with friends. We live like drained batteries, trying to serve our function but almost out of juice! Sometimes a woman can get so drained (physically, emotionally & mentally) that she "dies" like the battery, and has nothing left to give." 

This friend is the father of several children, and going through a divorce after 15 years of marriage. Part of his transformation has come from watching the movie Fireproof . We have talked alot lately, as he is trying to get a woman's perspective and understand (his soon-to-be ex) wife's reasons for being "done" with their marriage.

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Ephesians 5: 25-33 (NIV)

What is love?

Love is more than emotion. Love is more than just commitment or duty. Love is more than physical affection or sex. Love is EVERY day considering the other person's needs before your own. And... if you BOTH do that... nothing can tear you apart. Of all of the powers in the universe and laws of nature...the greatest of these is love.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:4-13 (NIV)

Getting better at loving!

If you sincerely want to understand your spouse better, and what he or she needs, I strongly recommend the following books if you haven't read them:

The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman
Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John & Stasi Eldredge
Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul by John Eldredge

Kathy

Pessimism vs Optimism

I have decided that this is now one of my favorite quotes... 

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." - Winston Churchill

All of us have struggles. All of us have suffered loss, regret, or betrayal to some degree. Most of us wish we had more money, more time, more opportunity. We have to make the choice every day whether or not we are going to live as a victim or overcomer. So which do we choose?

It doesn't matter how we are raised, what our personality type is, culture, age & experience, or religious affiliation. We need to stop making excuses and try to make lemonade from life's lemons! Human nature leads us to fall into the trap of holding our own personal "pity party", and sometimes we try to draw others into it just to make ourselves feel better.

As those close to me know, one of my life-long philosophies is that regardless of what pain I go through or troubles I experience, it's worth it if somehow I can get to the other side and help someone else through the same thing. Thank God for those that have helped me through stuff over the years! The wisdom, experience, insight, understanding and unconditional love of others is the biggest blessing for those walking through a valley.

1. Choose to react as an optimist, not a pessimist! 
2. Surround yourself with people who would encourage you. 
3. Have faith...you're not alone :)

The Divorcee Guide: How to Attract Mr. Right

Your divorce is final. Now, your friends are telling you that it’s time to start dating again. You want to attract Mr. Right.

If you are truly intent on attracting Mr. Right, you might wish to check the following Inventory List to ensure that you are doing what you have to do, to achieve your goal.
You are emotionally stable. You have made peace with your history and are comfortable with who and what you are.

You have no chemical addictions which could impede your clarify of thought and action.
You have made a list of the ingredients of your perfect man. Itemize those qualities that are a priority, and qualities that are of lesser importance.

Evaluate the demands of your life. Consider how Mr. Right is going to fit into your life, and any considerations that are relevant.

Evaluate your person and what you have to offer, to Mr. Right. Be confident but also be honest, with yourself. If you expect an extremely physically fit partner, you should probably anticipate that this person will expect you to be somewhat physically fit, as well.

Let’s be honest; first impressions are important. If you are stuck in a beauty rut, it’s time to enter a new phase, and that might mean a change in your skin care regime, a new hair color, or some new clothes. Glowing skin and a smile can work wonders!

Believe in yourself, and specifically, believe in the power of attraction. Feel confident that you will meet the man that is right for you.

Anticipate and expect that Mr. Right should cherish you. You deserve it.

Positive thoughts are important. However, you also have to take action. Make an effort to socialize and interact with a wider circle of persons. Enjoy a new hobby. Even if Mr. Right is not actually in your yoga class, he may be introduced to you via the new girlfriend that you meet, stretching next to you.

If you meet men whose goals are incompatible with your own, drop them from your list of potential partners. If you want to meet a stable man for marriage, and you happen to meet a fun-loving, bar-hopping womanizer, you can be friends with him- but do NOT think that you can change him.

Have fun with the process of dating until you meet your Mr. Right.
http://www.womandivorcesupport.com/divorce-articles/dating-after-divorce/the-divorcee-guide-how-to-attract-mr-right

Psychological and Emotional Aspects of Divorce in Children

Actually, children's psychological reactions to their parents' divorce vary in degree dependent on three factors: (1) the quality of their relationship with each of their parents before the separation, (2) the intensity and duration of the parental conflict, and (3) the parents' ability to focus on the needs of children in their divorce.

Older studies showed boys had greater social and academic adjustment problems than girls. New evidence indicates that when children have a hard time, boys and girls suffer equally; they just differ in how they suffer. Boys are more externally symptomatic than girls, they act out their anger, frustration and hurt. They may get into trouble in school, fight more with peers and parents. Girls tend to internalize their distress. They may become depressed, develop headaches or stomach aches, and have changes in their eating and sleeping patterns.

A drop in parents' income often caused by the same income now supporting two households directly affects children over time in terms of proper nutrition, involvement in extracurricular activities, clothing (no more designer jeans and fancy shoes), and school choices. Sometimes a parent who had stayed home with the children is forced into the workplace and the children experience an increase in time in child care.

A child's continued involvement with both of his or her parents allows for realistic and better balanced future relationships. Children learn how to be in relationship by their relationship with their parents. If they are secure in their relationship with their parents, chances are they will adapt well to various time-sharing schedules and experience security and fulfillment in their intimate relationships in adulthood. In the typical situation where mothers have custody of the children, fathers who are involved in their children's lives are also the fathers whose child support is paid and who contribute to extraordinary expenses for a child: things like soccer, music lessons, the prom dress, or a special class trip. One important factor which contributes to the quality and quantity of the involvement of a father in a child's life is mother's attitude toward the child's relationship with father. When fathers leave the marriage and withdraw from their parenting role as well, they report conflicts with the mother as the major reason.

The impact of father or mother loss is not likely to be diminished by the introduction of stepparents. No one can replace Mom or Dad. And no one can take away the pain that a child feels when a parent decides to withdraw from their lives. Before embarking on a new family, encourage clients to do some reading on the common myths of step families. Often parents assume that after the remarriage "we will all live as one big happy family." Step family relationships need to be negotiated, expectations need to be expressed, roles need to be defined, realistic goals need to be set.

Most teenagers (and their parents) eventually adjust to divorce and regard it as having been a constructive action, but one-third do not. In those instances, the turbulence of the divorce phase (how adversarial a battle it is), has been shown to play a crucial role in creating unhealthy reactions in affected teenagers.

Joan Kelly, PhD, former president of the Academy of Family Mediators and prominent divorce researcher from California reports that, depending on the strength of the parent-child bond at the time of divorce, the parent-child relationship diminishes over time for children who see their fathers less than 35% of the time. Court-ordered "standard visitation" patterns typically provide less.

# Days
Every other weekend
48
4 weeks in summer
28
½ spring break
3
½ winter break
7
½ holidays
4
Total
90 days = 25%
Add 1 day per week
44
Total
134 days = 35%

Divorce also has some positive effects for children. Single parents are often closer to their children than married parents were. This is can also be negative as when a child takes on too much responsibility because one or both parents are not functioning well as a parent, or when a parent talks to a child about how hurt they are by the other parent, or how horrible that other parent is. Often a separated parent will make an effort to spend quality time with the children and pay attention to their desires (Disneyland, small gifts, phone calls, etc). And you can imagine that some children might find some benefit in celebrating two Christmases and birthdays each year. If both parents remarry, they may have twice as many supportive adults/nurturers. At the very least, when parents can control their conflict, the children can experience freedom from daily household tension between parents.


Emotional Stages of Divorce
The decision to end a relationship can be traumatic, chaotic, and filled with contradictory emotions. There are also specific feelings, attitudes, and dynamics associated with whether one is in the role of the initiator or the receiver of the decision to breakup. For example, it is not unusual for the initiator to experience fear, relief, distance, impatience, resentment, doubt, and guilt. Likewise, when a party has not initiated the divorce, they may feel shock, betrayal, loss of control, victimization, decreased self esteem, insecurity, anger, a desire to "get even," and wishes to reconcile.

To normalize clients experiences during this time, it may be helpful to know that typical emotional stages have been identified with ending a relationship. It may also be helpful to understand that marriages do not breakdown overnight; the breakup is not the result of one incident; nor is the breakup the entire fault of one party. The emotional breaking up process typically extends over several years and is confounded by each party being at different stages in the emotional process while in the same stage of the physical (or legal) process.

It is also quite normal to do different things to try to create distance from the former partner while divorcing. Unfortunately, this distancing often takes the form of fault finding. Not to be disrespectful, but it's not unlike the process one goes through in deciding to buy a new car: somehow every flaw in that favorite old car needs to be noticed and exaggerated in order to feel okay about selling it. Also, if the other person is portrayed as really awful, one can escape any responsibility for the end of the marriage. A common response to divorce is to seek vengeance. When parties put their focus on getting even, there is an equal amount of energy expended on being blameless. What's true is that blaming and fault finding are not necessary or really helpful. Psychologist Jeffrey Kottler has written a very helpful book on this subject entitled Beyond Blame: A New Way of Resolving Conflicts in Relationships, published by Jossey-Bass.

Another normal rationalization is that the marriage was a wholly unpleasant experience and escaping it is good. Or the marriage was unpleasant and now the other partner must make this up in the divorce. Thinking that the marriage was wholly unpleasant is unfair to both parties and can hinder emotional healing. Both stayed in the marriage for as long as they did because there were some good things about it. There were also some things that did not work for them and these are why they are divorcing.

Much of your clients' healing will involve acceptance, focusing on the future, taking responsibility for their own actions (now and during the marriage), and acting with integrity. Focusing on the future they would like to create may require an acknowledgment of each other's differing emotional stages and a compassionate willingness to work together to balance the emotional comfort of both parties.

The following information on the emotional stages of ending a relationship is provided to help parties through the emotional quagmire of ending a relationship and assist in their personal healing.

I. DISILLUSIONMENT OF ONE PARTY (sometimes 1-2 years before verbalized)
A. Vague feelings of discontentment, arguments, stored resentments, breaches of trustB. Problems are real but unacknowledgedC. Greater distance; lack of mutualityD. Confidential, fantasy, consideration of pros and cons of divorceE. Development of strategy for separationF. Feelings: fear, denial, anxiety, guilt, love, anger, depression, grief

II. EXPRESSING DISSATISFACTION (8-12 months before invoking legal process)
A. Expressing discontent or ambivalence to other partyB. Marital counseling, orC. Possible honeymoon phase (one last try)D. Feelings: relief (that it's out in the open), tension, emotional roller coaster, guilt, anguish, doubt, grief

III. DECIDING TO DIVORCE (6-12 months before invoking legal process)
A. Creating emotional distance (i.e., disparaging the other person/situation in order to leave it)B. Seldom reversible (because it's been considered for awhile)C. Likely for an affair to occurD. Other person just begins Stage I (considering divorce) and feels denial, depressed, rejected, low self-esteem, angerE. Both parties feel victimized by the otherF. Feelings: anger, resentment, sadness, guilt, anxiety for the family, the future, impatience with other, needy

IV. ACTING ON DECISION (beginning the legal process)
A. Physical separationB. Emotional separation (complicated by emotional flareups)C. Creating redefinition (self orientation)D. Going public with the decisionE. Setting the tone for the divorce process (getting legal advice and setting legal precedent: children, support, home)F. Choosing sides and divided loyalties of friends and familiesG. Usually when the children find out (they may feel responsible, behave in ways to make parents interact)H. Feelings: traumatized, panic, fear, shame, guilt, blame, histrionics

V. GROWING ACCEPTANCE (during the legal process or after)
A. Adjustments: physical, emotionalB. Accepting that the marriage wasn't happy or fulfillingC. Regaining a sense of power and control, creating a plan for the future, creating a new identity, discovering new talents and resourcesD. This is the best time to be in mediation: parties can look forward and plan for the future; moods can be more elevated (thrill of a second chance at life)

VI. NEW BEGINNINGS (completing the legal process to four years after)
A. Parties have moved beyond the blame and anger to forgiveness, new respect, new rolesB. Experiences: insight, acceptance, integrity.Comparing Mediation and Litigation
Why is mediation a compassionate and appropriate venue for helping people in divorce? On the average, it takes family members approximately four to eight years to recover from the emotional and financial expense of a bitter adversarial divorce. In an adversarial divorce, there is no possible resolution of the emotional issues, only decreased trust and increased resentment.
A litigated divorce can cost each party $5,000 to $35,000. The focus is on assigning blame and fault and skirmishing for the most powerful position (changing locks, freezing bank accounts, getting temporary custody of the children). Communications between parties break down. Negotiations proceed through attorneys and are strategic and positioned. Attorneys have an ethical responsibility to zealously advocate for the best interest of their client. Often there is no consideration of the best interests of the children or recognition for the need for parties to have an ongoing relationship because they have children, friends, extended family, and community together. Going to court is an expensive risk; someone who does not know you makes decisions for you that will affect your whole life.

Mediators may save clients thousands of dollars in immediate and future legal and counseling fees. Mediators can focus parties on creating their best possible future and help parties resolve their emotional issues for the best interests of their children and their own psychological well being. Mediators can help parties feel understood, accept responsibility for the failure of the marriage and, when there are children, begin to reshape their relationship from one of partners to coparents. Mediators can empower clients by helping them be at their best (rather than their worst) during a challenging time in their lives, enable them to have an active role in their separating (creative choice vs. court imposition), create a clear and understandable road map for the future, make informed decisions, and to look back at their behavior in the mediation of their divorce with integrity and self respect.

Typical Reactions of Children to Divorce
Much of children's post-divorce adjustment is dependent on (1) the quality of their relationship with each parent before the divorce, (2) the intensity and duration of the parental conflict, and (3) the parents' ability to focus on the needs of the children in the divorce. Typically, children whose parents are going through a rough divorce engage in behaviors which are designed to help them feel secure. What follows are some typical experiences of children to divorce and separation:

A. DENIAL
This especially occurs in young children and surfaces as story telling (Mommy and Daddy and me going to Disneyland; we're moving into a duplex and Daddy will live next door; they will also have reconciliation fantasies).

B. ABANDONMENT
When parents separate, children worry who will take care of them. They are afraid they too are divorceable and will be abandoned by one or both of their parents. This problem is worsened by one or both parents taking the children into their confidence, talking about the other parent in front of the children, using language like "Daddy is divorcing us," being late for pick-up, or abducting the children. Children who are feeling insecure will say things to a parent which is intended to evoke a mama bear/papa bear response (a demonstration of protectiveness). If children do not have "permission" to have a good relationship with the other parent, or if they think they need to "take care of" one of their parents in the divorce, they are likely to end up having feelings of divided loyalties between their parents or, in the extreme, they may become triangulated with one parent against the other parent.
C. PREOCCUPATION WITH INFORMATION
Children will want details of what is happening and how it affects them. Communication from the parents needs to be unified and age appropriate.
D. ANGER AND HOSTILITY
Children may express anger and hostility with peers, siblings, or parents. School performance may be impaired. Hostility of children toward parents is often directed at the parent perceived to be at fault. Hostility turned inward looks like depression in children.
E. DEPRESSION
Lethargy, sleep and eating disturbances, acting out, social withdrawal, physical injury (more common in adolescents).
F. IMMATURITY/HYPERMATURITY
Children may regress to an earlier developmental stage when they felt assured of both parents' love. They may do some "baby-talk" or wet their beds. Children may become "parentified" by what they perceive to be the emotional and physical needs of their parents ("Someone needs to be in charge here.")
G. PREOCCUPATION WITH RECONCILIATION
The more conflict there is between the parents, the longer children hold onto the notion of their parents' reconciliation. It is clear that the parents are not "getting on" with their lives. Children will often act out in ways which force their parents to interact (negatively or positively). Children whose parents were very conflictual during the marriage often mistake the strong emotions of conflict with intimacy. They see the parents as engaged in an intimate relationship.
H. BLAME AND GUILT
Because so much marital conflict may be related to the stress of parenting, children often feel responsible for their parents' divorce--they feel that somehow their behavior contributed to it. This is especially true when parents fight during exchanges of the children or in negotiating schedules: children see that parents are fighting over them. They may try to bargain their parents back together by promises of good behavior; they may have difficulty with transitions or refuse to go with the other parent.
I. ACTING OUT
Children will often act out their own and their parents' anger. In an attempt to survive in a hostile environment, children will often take the side of the parent they are presently with. This may manifest in refusals to talk to the other parent on the phone or reluctance to share time with the other parent. Adolescents will typically act out in ways similar to how the parents are acting out.

In summary, expect that children will test a parent's loyalty, experience loyalty binds, not want to hurt either parent, force parents to interact because they don't want the divorce, try to exert some power in the situation, express anger over the divorce, occasionally refuse to go with the other parent (normal divorce stress, loyalty conflict/triangulation, or they may simply not want to stop doing what they're doing at the moment--similar to the reaction we've all gotten when we pick our children up from child care, or we want to go home from the park).
The most common problem which arise tend to stem from triangulation, divided loyalties, and projection. Some indicators of each are:
a. Triangulation: Child refuses to have time with the other parent or talk to the other parent on the phone, child badmouths the other parent.
b. Divided loyalties: When a child tells each parent different and opposing things about what they want it is a good indication that the child is trying to please both parents and is experiencing divided loyalties.
c. Projection: Children are barometers of a parent's emotional well-being. Usually a parent reporting the stress of a child can not see that the child is acting on the parent's anxiety. Parents should ask themselves how they are feeling about the divorce, the other parent, and the time sharing arrangements before assuming the child is having difficulty adjusting or assuming the problem is with the other household.

Signs of Stress in Children
Sometimes parents need help identifying stress in children, especially little ones. What follows are some typical experiences and signs of stress in children of different ages.
I. INFANTS AND TODDLERS:
A. Regression in terms of sleeping, toilet training or eating; slowing down in the mastery of new skillsB. Sleep disturbances (difficulty gong to sleep; frequent waking)C. Difficulty leaving parent; clinginessD. General crankiness, temper tantrums, crying.
II. THREE TO FIVE YEARS:
A. Regression: returning to security blankets and discarded toys, lapses in toilet training, thumb suckingB. Immature grasp of what has happened; bewildered; making up fantasy storiesC. Blaming themselves and feeling guiltyD. Bedtime anxiety; fitful/fretful sleep; frequent wakingE. Fear of being abandoned by both parents; clinginessF. Greater irritability, aggression, temper tantrums.
III. SIX TO EIGHT YEARS:
A. Pervasive sadness; feeling abandoned and rejectedB. Crying and sobbingC. Afraid of their worst fears coming trueD. Reconciliation fantasiesE. Loyalty conflicts; feeling physically torn apartF. Problems with impulse control; disorganized behavior.
IV. NINE TO TWELVE YEARS:
A. Able to see family disruption clearly; try to bring order to situationB. Fear of lonelinessC. Intense anger at the parent they blame for causing the divorceD. Physical complaints; headaches and stomach achesE. May become overactive to avoid thinking about the divorceF. Feel ashamed of what's happening in their family; feel they are different from other children.
V. ADOLESCENTS:
A. Fear of being isolated and lonelyB. Experience parents as leaving them; feel parents are not available to themC. Feel hurried to achieve independenceD. Feel in competition with parentsE. Worry about their own future loves and marriage; preoccupied with the survival of relationshipsF. Discomfort with a parent's dating and sexualityG. Chronic fatigue; difficulty concentratingH. Mourn the loss of the family of their childhood.

by Kathleen O'Connell Corcoran, June 1997
Source:  http://www.mediate.com/articles/Psych.cfm

Divorce, Debt & Credit

Divorce is the antithesis of the American dream. It's sad when two people who promised “Till death do us part” go their separate ways, but this is the final result of about 50 percent of all new marriages in America today.

Unfortunately, marriage has become disposable for many people, like everything else in our society.

There are many reasons for divorce. A few are biblical but most are not. Whatever the case, when divorce is spoken of as an option in a relationship, it is often inevitable.

Divorce always causes destruction, because it tears a family apart.

Aside from the emotional trauma of the divorce, the stress of having to deal with debt that was accumulated during the marriage is probably one factor that makes divorce so devastating.

Biblical responsibilities
There are no biblical provisions for the division of debt responsibilities for divorced families.

Because God does not condone the splitting of a marriage, He gives no instructions on how to divide debt. When a couple marries they are “as one” in the eyes of God. As such, their debt is joint debt, not separate.

So, since the Bible is silent on how to handle debt after divorce, the responsibilities are left to the world to decide, which forces many hurt spouses to be thrown before the mercy of secular laws.

Psalm 37:21 says, “The wicked borrows and does not pay back, but the righteous is gracious and gives.” From this Psalm we understand that if a couple makes a vow to pay back what was borrowed, they must honor that commitment, regardless of circumstances or how long it takes. It really makes no difference whether the commitment was joint or individual.

In the eyes of God, a debt incurred during a marriage is a debt for which both partners are responsible and it must be paid back. Solomon said, “It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay” (Ecclesiastes 5:5).

If divorce is inevitable
If a couple is recently divorced or is contemplating divorce, they might want to look closely at issues involving credit. There are two types of credit accounts: individual and joint.

Individual account: When a spouse applies for an individual account, only his or her own income, assets, and credit history are considered by the creditor. Whether married or single, this person alone is responsible for paying off the debt on the account.

However, if the couple lives in a community property state—Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington, or Wisconsin—both spouses may be responsible for debts incurred during the marriage, and the individual debts of one spouse will most likely appear on the credit report of the other spouse.

Advantages and disadvantages of an individual account. For spouses who do not work outside the home, who work part-time, or who work in lower-paying jobs, it may be difficult to demonstrate a strong financial picture without the income of the other spouse. However, if he or she is able to open an account in his or her name, nobody else can adversely affect that person's credit record.

Joint account: The income, financial assets, and credit history of both spouses are taken into consideration for a joint account. No matter who handles the household bills, both spouses are responsible for seeing that all debts are paid. A creditor who reports the credit history of a joint account to credit bureaus must report it in both names if the account was opened after June 1, 1977.

Advantages and disadvantages of a joint account. A joint application combining the financial resources of two people might present a stronger case to a creditor for granting credit.

Keep in mind that because two people applied together for credit, each spouse is legally responsible to the creditor for the entire debt. This is true for a joint account even if a divorce decree assigns a separate debt obligation to each spouse.

A former spouse can adversely affect another spouse's credit history on jointly-held accounts by running up bills and not paying them.

Existing credit accounts
If a couple is divorced or separated or is contemplating divorce or separation, they need to pay attention to the status of their credit accounts.

If they maintain their joint accounts during this time, it is important that they make regular payments—so their credit record won't suffer. As long as there is an outstanding balance on any joint account, both spouses are liable for it.

If one party has been given the responsibility in a divorce decree to pay the balances on outstanding joint credit card accounts, and he or she does not pay the bill, the creditor can demand payment from the other party, regardless of the divorce decree.

Couples, whether divorced, separated, or contemplating divorce or separation, must try to work with creditors and be willing to make whatever sacrifices are necessary to fulfill their promise to repay.

If the creditors refuse to cooperate and force bankruptcy, that is their decision and not the couples'. However, if a couple borrows money with an agreement to repay, bankruptcy does not negate this agreement scripturally.

So, if bankruptcy is the only alternative, the partners, whether individually or as a couple, need to live on a conservative budget and pay the debts back as their budget allows. In some cases, this may take an entire lifetime.

The simplest and safest route to eliminate joint debt is for the couple to agree to pay off the debt before separation is final. This way, there will be no entanglements as both begin their new lives.

Another option is for the couple to agree for one spouse to be responsible for all debts and for this spouse to get more assets to compensate them. This option allows each party to know exactly what they have when they leave the marriage.

Although on the surface agreeing to share all debts seems to be the simplest option, in reality it can become the most complicated and should be avoided if at all possible.

Reestablishing credit
Couples might want to ask creditors to close any joint accounts or accounts in which the former spouse was an authorized user. Or, preferably, ask the creditor to convert the accounts to individual ones or to the name of the spouse handling that debt.

By law, a creditor cannot close a joint account because of a change in martial status but can do so at the request of either spouse. A creditor, however, does not have to agree to change joint accounts to individual ones.

The creditor can require a person to reapply for credit on an individual basis and then, based on the new application, extend or deny credit. In the case of a mortgage or a home equity loan, a lender will probably demand refinancing to remove a spouse from the obligation.

Conclusion
If divorce or separation is a reality, a couple needs to be open to what God wants to do in both of their lives.

As each will be forced to deal with the stress of outstanding debt and of starting a new life, we encourage each to trust God in all areas of his or her life. Don't limit Him, and He will move heaven and earth on behalf of those who trust Him (see Psalm 118).

by Crown Financial Ministries

Never Too Late: Entering College As a Non-Traditional Student

If you are single mom and found that you had to give up going back to school to care for your children, you aren't the only one. Single women do it all the time in order to raise their children. However as children grow up and go to school themselves, single mothers want the chance as well to go back to school. Whether it is to finish where they left off or get continuing education. Sometimes its not as easy to make the transition back to school if you are older but they are plenty others doing the same thing.
Whether you're a part-time student, an adult student, or a transfer student, according to your university, you are a "non-traditional student." This title is nothing to concern yourself with and won't cause you to carry the scarlet letter "A;" according to research, there are six million non-traditional students nationwide. And in some ways, it can be to your benefit. First, let's take a look at the three main categories of non-traditional students:


1. Part-Time Student: Most universities require a student to take 12 credit hours per semester to be considered full time. Some students have full time jobs that require their schedule to be only partly open for classes. These students are attending the school with less than 12 credit hours, and can be taking as little as one course at a time.
2. Adult Student: Circumstances beyond one's control as well as decisions made after high school can cause an individual not to consider higher education promptly after high school graduation. Years later, they return to universities to pursue a degree of interest. These students are referred to as "Adult Students," since their ages may exceed that of most of their classmates.
3. Transfer Student: A student that has completed the first two years of college at a community college, to then complete the rest at a university, is labeled as a transfer student. Generally, transfer students have finished or are closed to finishing the "General Education" requirements the university holds, a standard two-year program.

Other categories include distance learners and members of the military. Each of the types of non-traditional students have needs that differ from group to group, and most importantly, needs that differ from traditional students. Here, some tips to prep non-traditional students along the way:

Time is of the Essence: All categories of non-traditional students understand one thing: in order to get their degrees, they cannot afford to waste money, and more so, precious time. With other responsibilities (families, jobs, bills, etc.), taking a class 'for the fun of it' may not be an option in their degree-seeking expenditure. This is where counseling becomes crucial. Set an appointment with the college of your choice's advising department and come prepared. Here are a few things to have a good idea about:
1. The direction you want to go in. Having a general idea of what majors interest you can help an advisor tackle your true potential and the exact courses to get you there.
2. Your class standing. Whether you've taken the accredited two-year program prior or never had a class in any type of college, make sure you have the information your advisor needs. This can include transcripts from high school and college.
3. Your testing history. Changes with every college, but look into what your particular university requires before admission or graduation. Some common tests to have under your belt may be the SAT, ACT, CLEP, and CLAST. Skim official websites for the testing requirements and study materials. Many of these tests have variable availabilities, including weekend and online test dates that can suit your limited time and busy lifestyle.

Financial Aid: It's rare to find students of any age that can afford their college careers all on their own. Most need some form of financial assistance -- and with the rising cost of tuition, textbooks, and living, it's no surprise that a financial aid office can be as busy the first week back to campus as the streets of New York City at rush hour. Here's another place you'll want to plan ahead. Notice how many times this article tells you to be prepared and plan ahead -- two crucial elements in creating a smooth transaction into a university as a non-traditional student. According to FurtherYourEducation.com, "One thing to consider is that many campuses allow students to divide their payments over the course of the semester for a small fee. Paying as you go may help you better afford the cost of your education." There are also other sources non-traditional students can receive funding from:
1. Scholarships & Grants: Truth is, scholarships and grants tend to be very competitive and on a needs-basis. However, if you search long and hard enough, you will come across many scholarships that are available, even some to your specific situation (non-traditional student). Search the web, and sites like www.fastweb.com, , to see if there are any that apply to your specific genre of nontraditional students or even just general scholarships. Also look into filling out the FASFA form for more chances at grants and subsidized / unsubsidized loans.
2. Military Service Benefits: The Department of Veterans' Affairs, as well as other government agencies, have educational aid available for those who have served in the military, as well as spouses and children of veterans. Check into www.va.gov for more information.
3. Employee Reimbursement Programs: Some jobs pay their employees to go back to school. Can be a rare find, but check into your place of employment. You never know, it could be implemented based on your suggestion.

Other Tips to Help Non-Traditional Students:

• Some schools offer free workshops that you can take advantage of. Returning to school after many years can be challenging. Workshops can help you on everything from brushing up on study skills to learning how to use the internet class system. Look into your particular school and see what their academic offices offer.
• As you know, the decision to return to school will create a major life change. What you want to make sure happens pre-attendance is a discussion with your family on adjustments that may need to be made. The balance of family, work, and school can be overwhelming; be prepared for any situation by discussing what may change and how to handle it. Create a timetable weekly schedule so your family knows when your classes are and when you will be studying/doing homework.
• Remember that organization is vital. With juggling so many tasks, you'll want to invest in a quality day planner. Write down reminders of projects, exams, and assignments due, so you aren't surprised when others are handing theirs in to the professor. Speaking of your peers, seek out at least three students and swap phone numbers and/or e-mail addresses. That way, if you have questions on certain assignments or chapters, or if you were to miss a day, you can get the rundown from them.
• Consider buying a laptop. This can be an excellent way to keep organized and multitask brilliantly. Say you have to take your child to a dentist appointment with a long wait time. While sitting in the waiting room, you can bring your laptop and work on assignments or studying.
Congratulations on your educational endeavor -- deciding to head back to school after years in the workforce or as another form of non-traditional student can be challenging, but you will reap the benefits later in life. After all, you can never be "too" educated, so enjoy the wealth of knowledge you seek and gain!

For more information pertaining to college resources please visit www.studentfinancialguide.com.

Kelly Kennedy from www.singlemotherresources.com is the Communications Specialist for MindComet Corporation, a full service marketing agency for Fortune 500 companies and international conglomerates. Kelly specializes in public relations strategies focused on single mother's financial guidance. Kelly has been author to hundreds of articles focusing on single mother financial concerns. She also acts as a contributing author for a wide variety of websites and newsletters. Kelly holds a Bachelors degree in Marketing from the University of Central Florida.

Original Post: http://www.singlemom.com/EducationAndCareer/kk_Never_Too_Late_Entering_College_as_a_Non_Traditional_Student.aspx

Getting Honest About the Death of Your Marriage

Jennifer wanted to process what went wrong in her first marriage. During the last year of her marriage, she had an affair. "I was so angry at my husband for some of the ways he let me down that I didn't care if he found out or if I hurt him," she says. "I even hoped he'd find out, that he'd be shaken out of his marital neglect, and decide to fight for me. It totally backfired!"

Around the same time, her husband began to have an affair with Jennifer's best friend. "I experienced how it felt to be cheated on, and that was the beginning of my repentance. When he found out about my affair and I saw the depth of the pain I caused him, I was struck with the horror of what I had done. I was so deeply remorseful and repentant, I felt as if I was dying inside. That was the most barren and desolate place imaginable."

Getting specific and being honest isn't always easy. But it's worth the effort. Look at how many times Paul tells about his failures. He gives a listing of all the bad things he did—accomplice to murder, for one (Acts 22:4; 1 Corinthians 15:9). Yet, he learned from it, he was forgiven, he forgot what was past to move forward.

• If you've dealt honestly with your past, you're way ahead of the game. Great job!
• If you haven't dealt with your past, especially with your previous marriage, it's never too late.
• Taking the time to heal may be the most important thing you do for your second marriage.
  Where can you begin?

Get alone. 
This will be time consuming, so be intentional. It's important to get away from any interruptions such as children, work, the phone, the television, computer solitaire. Schedule a chunk of time when you can be alone to think, digest, and pray. If you can afford it, go to a hotel for a day or two (Internet sites such as priceline.com have some great price options you could check out). Or try a church camp or consider KOA, which has cabins you can rent. I have a friend who goes to an abbey for a weekend every year to think and pray.

Get honest.Promise yourself you won't justify or rationalize your part of the problem. The point is to take an objective look at what happened so you don't repeat the same problems in your current marriage. It's important to remember this honesty isn't about pointing the finger and calling ourselves "bad." It isn't about piling on guilt. It's simply an exercise in recognizing mistakes and sins in order to learn from them, not repeat them, and become better individuals and spouses. So it's important to avoid the "yes, but" syndrome. You know, "Yes, what I did was wrong, but my spouse made me do it. ... He made me angry. . . She never gave me respect." And the list goes on.

Pray.This is an essential step. You may be digging deep into pain, so it's important to ask God at the outset, and all the way through, to protect you. This is an opportune time for those nasty, pesky thoughts to intrude that can either put the guilt trip on you or really make you angry about your past. Invite God to work with you through this period. Try praying, "God, I don't want my past to control my present. I don't want to live under the chains of what happened in the past. I want to be free to live in a God-honoring marriage. Protect my thoughts, guide them, and help me stay focused on what you would have me learn."
Play Twenty Questions.Take a piece of paper or a journal, and answer questions like the following. Make a point not to blame your ex-mate. Deal strictly with your part in the marriage. If you're struggling, ask God to open your mind, to highlight certain areas where you failed the marriage or where you played the part of accomplice. It's important to answer the questions as honestly, objectively, and specifically as you can.

• If my ex-spouse were to evaluate me as a mate, what would he/she say? Why?
• Whether or not I agree with the assessment, what can I learn about myself if I accept at face value his/her accusations?
• Were there times during my marriage when I could have asked for forgiveness and didn't?
• Were there times when I could have made things right, but my pride kept me from doing it?
• Whether my ex is right or wrong, what would he/she say about me in our marriage?
• What would my ex-spouse say was the final straw to our marriage dissolution?
• What am I feeling about that marriage? Why?
• Why am I focusing that feeling toward my spouse?
• Did I give up on the marriage too quickly?
• Did I do everything in my power to save the marriage?

Journal.One good way to work through these issues is to start a journal. Write about the root problems and issues and how you played a role. Again, the goal is not to rehash; it is to learn.
"Keeping a journal was a lifesaver for my remarriage," says Linda. She "free formed," a type of writing in which you basically "vomit" onto the page, writing everything that comes to mind. No rules, no worries about correct grammar or what anybody would think if they read it.

Seek professional Christian counseling.There's nothing that works as well as having an objective person help guide you through this process. A counselor can help you become honest and hold you accountable, and can aid in your healing. "Anybody coming out of a marriage, regardless of whose 'fault' it is, should go to counseling," says Carly, whose first husband committed adultery. "Even a few sessions just to sort out what went wrong and what you can learn can make an amazing difference in your remarriage."

Once you've discovered your part in the dissolution of your marriage, you'll be aware of those elements popping into your current marriage and will be able to handle them constructively.
Adapted from Surprised by Remarriage by Ginger Kolbaba. Published by Revel Books.

Original link: http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3578737&content_id={56B558DB-FCA9-4538-81DD-2D77CB1E0914}&notoc=1