Wow...so true. Although even the best relationships take work, if loving someone is full of strife and exhausting effort due to their attitudes and behaviors, it might be time to re - evaluate if being with them is healthy for you. Stepping back or severing ties may not be easy, but it may be in your best interest. It's sad when you have to let someone go, but some people don't face their own issues or grow no matter how much you love them. Regardless of where we are in our journey of life, we should all be constantly seeking to improve ourselves, learning how to love others better, and ultimately following God. If you recognize that someone holds none of these things to be important and are full of drama, negativity and selfishness, they might be toxic for you. People that are truly capable of loving you will not be so difficult to love in return.
11.26.2014
11.25.2014
11.24.2014
11.22.2014
11.21.2014
Valuing Beauty
Which do you think affects our self - esteem more, our own flawed self-image, or when our husband or boyfriend is drawn to women in film and magazines that are basically a fantasy and don't exist? Or for guys, that your wife/girlfriend is constantly comparing you to other men or talking with others about everything you aren't? Women often struggle with feeling like they "aren't enough" for their man when they feel they are in constant competition with a fake standard. Although it's normal to recognize beauty in the feminine OR masculine form, if we truly love our guy/girl, we need to affirm them on a regular basis, both in appreciation and displays of our physical attraction toward them. Although we need to be self - confident on our own, the opinion and treatment of us by our significant other matters. Guess what guys? If you make your girl feel like she's your one and only, the most sexy and beautiful woman on the planet, she will want to be that for you. Women who dont feel beautiful and sexy, won't be as responsive. And girls...quit emasculating and complaining about your guy. If you've got a good one (lol) tell him! He needs to know you respect and appreciate him. Maybe if you treat and talk about him as your knight in shining armor, he will feel more empowered and supported to be that for you. And regarding ourselves? We may not be models of human perfection, but we should still strive to be the best of who we are, out of respect for ourselves and love for our special someone. No one wants the person they first fell in love with to end up looking like a cave troll out of sheer apathy and laziness! Although inner beauty will always be most important, there's nothing wrong with caring how you appear on the outside too :)
11.20.2014
Why do some people cause misery, pain and despair in your life while others bring hope, joy and peace? I pray that I reflect more of the latter, and that I've raised children who in their adult lives do the same. How depressing to face God one day and the realization that our existence on the earth caused more suffering than good? In that moment there will be no justifying, candy - coating or hiding. The only "accomplishment" He is going to care about, is if you loved Him and others more than you loved yourself.
11.19.2014
11.17.2014
Fear. Anger. Anxiety
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These negative emotions are the unseen drivers of our decisions. They cloud our ability to see what is real and true. They are major distractions to our living our lives as we were created to live—purposefully, meaningfully, connected to all life, in community.
We cannot change until we see the truth of our existence. We can’t let go of fear until we see how fearful we are and how that fear holds us back from living a real life. We can’t release the anger until we know how it has controlled us and kept us from the very things we would love to do and people we’d love to be with. And we can’t see the price we pay for every moment of anxiety until we acknowledge its cost to us—it drains away our best energies.
Once we acknowledge, see and count the cost, there is a chance for us to change. It takes persistence and clear vision, and a lot of healing help from the Lord, but the journey is worth it. With reduced amounts of fear or anger or anxiety we feel lighter and freer. We can hear the murmurings of our soul, which, like the magnetic north pole, would lead us to our true selves. We can access and hear the “still, small voice” of God which, in conjunction with our soul’s agenda, would lead us to a connected, meaningful life using our gifts and talents and challenges to carve out a purposeful existence.
We have to really dial back the power we give these negative emotions until we have unplugged totally. Just because we think something doesn't make it true. Just because I feel something doesn't mean it is based in reality. Fear has been my life-long companion. Now I see how much it has limited what I could do and who I could be. Now I see how my bottom-line fear of things never working out for me is really a laugh, because certainly my life has been good, and with lots of challenges, but far beyond anything I could have imagined, given the distorted lens of fear I was using. So there was my fear and there was the reality, but all I could see was what the fear foretold.
Fear, anger and anxiety put our needs at the very center of our lives, way ahead of anyone else’s. They are the fodder of the small self. They control, they distract, they confuse. Contrast that with ways of the larger self: love, connectedness and a broader perspective on our lives. These are the nourishment of the larger self. Our needs are definitely met in the larger self, but not the me-first demands of the small self. God would lead us to our larger selves, the ones not bound by the culture we grew up in, the ones that we were created to be. It only takes our willingness and perseverance in following his lead beyond the fear, the anger and the anxiety.
by Pat Adams
11.14.2014
Finances, guilt keep most working moms from asking for help
Government labor statistics show 30 percent of mothers don't work outside the home. But among those who do, Care.com, an online website for finding and managing family care, conducted the survey that found working mothers spend an average of 37 hours a week at work and double that amount of time, 80 hours, on chores, child care and housekeeping. Out of the 991 mothers surveyed, 85 percent were married, 11 percent were in a domestic partnership and 3 percent were single mothers with a child part- or full-time.
While Care.com encourages working mothers to ask for or hire help, among those who won't, 73 percent said they couldn't afford outside help, while 29 percent said they felt guilty for needing help.
A third of mothers choose not work outside the home, according to government labor statistics, and all kinds of mothers can face feelings of overwhelm or guilt. For mothers who do work outside the home, whether by necessity or choice, the number of competing demands on their time is ratcheted up. Katie Herrick Bugbee, the Global Parenting expert at Care.com and a mother, said mothers need to ask for help before they reach a breaking point. The extra help can come from a spouse, friends, parents or a hired caregiver.
“That is what we need to teach parents and moms. The guilt will always be there, no matter what, it just is. It is this drive to be perfect, to be better than our own mothers were, to have it all," Bugbee said. “We need to cut ourselves some slack.”
Another recent survey also found that an overwhelming majority of men agree that husbands and wives should equally share in responsibilities at home and almost half of the men want to do this.
The stresses and strains of balancing work and home responsibilities between spouses have increased as more women have entered the workforce in the past half century.
The Bureau of Labor Statistics and the Census Bureau reported that in 1962, 54.4 percent of mothers worked outside the home, compared to 70.5 percent in 2012.
According to the Bureau's more recent 2013 report, 59.1 percent of couples with children had both parents employed. In families with no spouse, 68.2 percent of mothers were employed and 81.2 percent of fathers. The bureau counted 34.4 million families with children and 88.2 percent of those families had at least one employed parent.
Financial necessity, ambition to have a career and many other motivations contribute to mothers pulling double duty balancing work and family needs. Bugbee also noted a rise in care needs for multi-generation households as a more recent reason for mothers working outside the home to bring in additional income.
Bugbee explained that in the current domestic climate, Care.com surveyed women to find out which parent is doing the brunt of the work at home and also to identify at what point mothers need to ask for additional assistance.
"In this generation of moms, moms are trying to do it all," Bugbee said, "It can be stressful, incredibly stressful.”
The Care.com survey found that one in four working mothers said they cry alone at least once a week due to household-related stress.
Communication is key
Bugbee explained that spouses need to communicate on how they each can make raising children and taking care of other household responsibilities a team effort. If one spouse is taking on too much, the other needs to say, “How can I help you here? This is a lot for both of us, let's figure this out,” she said.
A 2014 survey, “How Men Flex”, conducted by the Working Mother Research Institute (WMRI) and sponsored by Ernst & Young LLP, aimed to better understand how men balance work and home responsibilities. Out of the 1,000 men surveyed, 88 percent said they believed that parents should equally share in taking care of the children, and 83 percent agreed that both partners should share chores.
Fathers, like mothers, are also trying to balance their work schedules and family needs.
But Karyn Twaronite, EY Global Diversity & Inclusiveness Officer, told the Working Mother website that men are usually an afterthought in discussing issues surrounding working parents and workplace flexibility.
“Our experience and research show we have to shift our thinking, our offerings and our communications to be much more modern and more inclusive of men," she said. "Everyone wants to have meaningful work and personal lives, and flexibility is a great equalizer, helping men and women to achieve their professional and personal goals.”
Her husband's willingness to pitch in at home is key for Jodi Peterson to be able to manage her responsibilities as deputy office administrator at the U.S. Senate and care for their four children. She is also taking online courses to finish a bachelor’s degree.
Her husband, David, an Army captain, has an erratic schedule that often takes him away from home for weeks at a time.
“I would have a lot of stress, but being a successful working mom has nothing to do with me working by myself. It has everything to do with the support I receive from my husband,” she said. “I couldn’t do what I do without what he does.”
Peterson described the division of labor in her family. “He does all the laundry and helps feed the kids, vacuum and clean. All the things a typical mom takes care of, I am supported by my husband in that,” Peterson said.
Peterson and Bugbee said they also pay a nanny to help.
But the Care.com survey indicated making that decision is difficult, even when finances are not an issue.
“We know that we have working mom stress and working mom guilt, but to feel the added guilt of needing to do this yourself, of needing to clean the bathroom yourself, even when you can afford to hire help or ask their husbands for help — it is painful,” Bugbee said.
The average rate of a housekeeper is $15.71 dollars an hour and the average rate of a babysitter is $11.49 dollars an hour, the Care.com survey reported.
But Bugbee's group, which promotes employing nannies, contends it's worth the expense, pointing to the survey that found 75 percent of those surveyed said hiring outside help has reduced their overall stress.
There are single mothers, however, who don't have access to help from family or the resources to hire a nanny or a housekeeper.
Child Care Aware, a program that provides resources for child care programs, has a state by state map that gives outside links for parents to find financial assistance, support networks and outreach programs.
Single mothers can also use the U.S. Office of Personnel Management Child Care Resources Handbook that includes federally sponsored child care centers, financial assistance for low-income parents, and a guide to find child care.
Stop comparing
On the topic of balancing family and work activities, the Care.com survey found that 62 percent of working mothers believe that other parents have an easier time accomplishing everyday tasks and 28 percent think that their friends "have it more together than they do."
Peterson said making comparisons can lead to bad decisions and unnecessary frustration.
"I don’t want anyone to ever look at me and say, 'Well, Jodi is doing it, so I should leave my family and go.' I am scared to death that someone is going to do that," she said.
Peterson explained that there was a series of events that led to her and her husband deciding she would work outside the home, and she said each family should evaluate their unique situation as they did.
“Each family is so unique. You need to make sure, first and foremost, even above the kids, that the spouse and you balance," she said. "If you are not a single mom, and married to somebody, you need to make sure that relationship is intact, and everything after that will fall into place.”
by Kelsey Clark
Source: http://national.deseretnews.com/article/2761/survey-finances-guilt-keep-most-working-moms-from-asking-for-help.html
11.12.2014
11.11.2014
A Special Someone
Often the people who always appear happy on the outside are the ones secretly hurting on the inside...a pain impossible to explain, a loneliness felt no matter how many people are in the room. If you find someone who can not only make you laugh, but make you smile on the inside, someone with whom you feel safe, at peace and accepted regardless of the turmoil surrounding you, you have found someone special...a true gift from God. Love is not just romance or absence of loneliness, but something you inherently know without words to describe it, a constancy of intimate friendship, respect, and appreciation. It's a shame that we may have to experience pain, loss, disappointment and regret from past relationships, but it all becomes worth it once we meet someone worthy of our heart and trust. My experience makes me wise enough to know what I have found, grateful enough to appreciate it, and strong enough to protect it.
11.10.2014
Linger...Listen...Love
When I talk with others about things they are dealing with, I recognize there is a deep need to feel understood...to be heard. We want to be "known" and feel we are not alone. This is where the healing process starts, and some need to talk about their experience more than others. If someone you know keeps bringing something up, keeps trying to explain what they've been through, or seems to explain away their own emotional handicaps, that is an indicator that they are crying out to be understood. Yes, it may seem like they are complaining, that they aren't moving on, and you know you can't "fix it", but you can listen. It may take awhile depending on the nature and severity of their experience. Just as someone with a physical wound or illness needs comfort, patience and companionship as they heal, you can be there for someone in emotional pain. Often those wounds are even deeper and more painful than physical ones...even if you can't see them.
11.06.2014
Strengths Test
http://richardstep.com/richardstep-strengths-weaknesses-aptitude-test/free-aptitude-test-find-your-strengths-weaknesses-online-version
11.05.2014
11.04.2014
11.02.2014
11.01.2014
Hey Young People: Now’s the Time to Get Married and Have Kids
My wife and I were married three years ago today.
Three whole years.
That means we have another seven until we can start pretending like we know a thing or two, and probably another twenty until we actually do.
At the moment we’re still novices. And we’re young. I was 24 when we met and got engaged and 25 when we tied the knot. That would make us pretty run of the mill by our grandparents’ standards, but not anymore. These days we’re practically a Ripley’s Believe It Or Not exhibit.
People are downright befuddled to come across a 20-something with a wedding ring, much less a couple of carseats in the back of the sedan.
There’s a good reason for their shocked amazement. Indeed, young families are a dying breed.
It seems every week we get a new report illustrating what we already know: young people aren’t getting married. Millennials are delaying marriage longer than any generation before us, and according to some studies, more than 25 percent of us will never take the plunge at all.
We are, without a doubt, the most marriage-averse group in human history.
Every generation leaves its own mark on the world, and this is ours. Rejecting an institution that is integral to our advancement as a species; that will be our legacy. Maybe our kids — the dozen or so we collectively produce — will continue this process of self-destruction by being the first to voluntarily give up on water and oxygen.
Who knows? We can’t tell them how to live, man.
So I’d like to take the occasion of my wedding anniversary to offer some needed encouragement to my millennial peers.
I implore you, friends, don’t be afraid of marriage.
Look, I’ve been young and single. In fact, I’ve been more single than many of you, as I lived completely on my own — no roommates or live-in girlfriends — for the first five years of my twenties. And I’ve also been young and married with kids and responsibilities. If I could choose between the two, I’d take young and married every time, without a doubt.
You won’t hear this from very many people anymore, but this is my advice: get married young. Have kids. Don’t be scared of growing up.
Most people are supposed to venture out into the world and start families while they are still young and full of life and energy.
Most people. I didn’t say all. I didn’t say every. I didn’t say there aren’t exceptions or that people don’t have different vocations and callings in life. I said most. As a fundamental, general principle, human beings shouldn’t wait until they’re 35 or 40 to start a family. That’s what our twenties are for.
Now — with the already-stated disclaimer that I am an not a marriage expert and I do not mean to suggest that the following points apply equally to literally every single human being who has ever walked the face of the Earth — I’m going to give you eight solid reasons why young people should start thinking about marriage and kids now, rather than two and a half decades from now.
1) You don’t need money to get married.
What is with this ‘I can’t afford to get married’ stuff? There isn’t an hourly fee attached to marriage, as far as I’m aware. If there is, I don’t know how I managed to pay it three years ago when my salary was a whopping 400 bucks a week.
Besides, every day I see a link on Facebook to ridiculous clickbait websites like Elite Daily or Thought Catalog, explaining the ’30 Things You Should Try in Your Twenties,’ or some such nonsense, and the list always includes traveling, partying, and hanging out at bars.
What do all of these things have in common?
They cost money. A lot of it, actually. We don’t get married or have kids because we ‘can’t afford it,’ but we certainly don’t let our limited finances get in the way of our recreational activities. And we definitely won’t allow our minimal income to prevent us from collecting all of the latest Apple products.
We can’t afford to be spouses and parents, but we can sure afford to be extremely active consumers.
Something seems a little off balance here.
Really, in a culture overrun with consumerism, very few people can claim they ‘don’t have the money’ to do important things. It’s not a matter of a lack of resources at all — it’s a matter of jumbled priorities.
In any case, money or no money, the good news is that marriage is free. Sure, the ceremony might cost you a penny or two or million, but married life doesn’t come with a specific price tag.
Neither do kids, incidentally. I know economists like to assign completely arbitrary cost figures to raising kids — I think it’s over a quarter million dollars now — but I can tell you unequivocally that it’s all nonsense. My parents raised six kids. By these calculations, they would have plunked down around 1.5 million dollars throughout my childhood.
They didn’t. Not even close. In fact, there are many large families out there who manage to survive and thrive on solidly lower-middle class incomes. It’s not magic. It’s just a matter of controlling your impulses and exercising a little discipline.
2) You aren’t your parents.
I’m lucky. My parents have been married for over 30 years and provided me and my siblings with an incredible example of what marital love and fidelity looks like.
Many of my peers were not so fortunate.
Millions grew up in chaotic homes, witnessing the daily horror of selfish, immature parents verbally and emotionally tearing each other apart, until one finally left, dooming the kids to a childhood of guilt and abandonment.
A great many Millennials came of age in this kind of tumultuous, spiritually violent environment. Having seen nothing but failed marriages and bitter divorces — having never witnessed a healthy, stable, married life — they’ve become incredibly jaded.
Marriage is misery, they think, and I can’t blame them for feeling that way. Still, it’s about time they come to understand that their parents made choices. They chose to have that kind of marriage.
You do not have to make the same choice.
You are not your parents.
You have seen a bad marriage, now go and make a better one.
3) Marriage is about experiencing life with your spouse by your side.
There’s a very basic and very lethal flaw in the “I’ll get married once everything is perfect in my life” philosophy. Actually, two.
First, nothing will ever be perfect. Sorry.
Second, a big advantage to marriage is that it gives you the wonderful opportunity to traverse the peaks and valleys of life with your husband or wife beside you.
Maybe this is another reason behind the divorce epidemic. We don’t go into marriage prepared to meet any serious challenges because we think we’re supposed to wait until all of those challenges have passed. But they’re never gone for good, so when they inevitably reappear we start looking for the nearest exit. “Hey! What is this — an obstacle? I didn’t sign up for this!”
4) Youth is a gift.
There’s a reason why we idolize youth in our culture (though to an unhealthy degree). With youth comes health, energy, endurance, and vitality. These are good things; they give us purpose and promise in our younger years.
The question is how do we use these gifts? Or, more importantly, who do we give these gifts to?
Do we keep them to ourselves? Do we use them to become more passionate consumers, more fervent video game players, and more enthusiastic bar patrons? Do we devote them entirely to our employer in the name of being more perfect servants to our corporate masters? Or do we give them to our spouse and then to our children?
Which is the most worthy and worthwhile cause?
On a related note, Facebook and Apple recently announced an exciting new health benefit: they’ll pay to have their female employees’ eggs frozen so that the women on their payroll can concentrate on attending meetings and doing their boss’ bidding without worrying about any pesky children showing up and getting in the way.
Feminists have called this empowerment, but I think we can call it another cultural nadir. We have sunken so low that now we treat children as leftovers, storing the ingredients in the freezer, hoping to come back to them at a more convenient time.
But kids are not last night’s casserole and our biology is not something that we should try to circumvent.
We give our youth to our bosses and our cubicles and then bring (or try to bring) children and spouses into the equation once we’re tired and beaten down after years of serving ourselves and our career ambitions.
It’s crazy. And I mean really crazy, especially now that we’ve started removing body parts in order to ensure that kids don’t spoil our chances of climbing into the next tax bracket.
This is the kind of behavior that our ancestors would look upon with pure bewilderment and disgust.
I know how they feel.
5) Family life is edifying.
You won’t miraculously turn into a better person because you got married and had kids, obviously. But, at their essence, families are built and held together through sacrificial love, and this is something that can — if you give yourself over to it — sanctify you and bring you closer to God.
When you pour your energies and efforts into serving and loving your spouse, raising your children, and guiding your family, you’ll find that, inevitably, you grow and mature in the process.
I’m not suggesting that anyone run out and get married as some sort of self-help strategy. I am, however, saying that your bond with your spouse and your children has the ability to change you and illuminate your life in ways that nothing else can. Best friends, siblings, parents — none of these relationships have quite the same kind of potential.
Certainly, live-in girlfriends and boyfriends are no replacement for the commitment, sacrifice, and profound love of a family joined together through the sacrament of marriage.
6) You don’t have to wait for ‘The One.’
This isn’t The Matrix, nor are we living in some godforsaken Disney movie. I can’t believe, with all of our modern cynicism, that we still hang onto the fairy tale notion that there is one single, specific individual waiting out there, looking up at the moon longing for the romantic embrace of the one and only person destined to be their lover for all eternity.
I don’t mean to scandalize you, but here’s the reality: The One doesn’t exist.
You aren’t fated to love any particular person. You choose to love them, and when you marry them you reaffirm that choice every day, forever, until death do you part. There’s nothing written in the stars. It’s got nothing to do with destiny or whatever silly crap you read in a Nicholas Sparks novel.
If you’ve been through 14 relationships, throwing yourself into them before high tailing out of there at the first sign of trouble, I have bad news: ‘The One’ won’t suddenly appear out of the wilderness with ‘MARRY ME’ tattooed across their forehead. And if someone like that does emerge from the forest one day — run. Call the cops.
The truth is, the one you marry is The One. That’s all. You married them so they are The One. There is zero chance that you get married only to find out that your mystical soul mate was actually on an expedition in Antarctica this whole time, and if you’d held out a little longer you could have lived happily ever after.
Marriage bonds you eternally to your spouse, making them your soul mate and nobody else. Period. That’s all there is to it.
7) Biology is a thing.
Now, I ain’t no scientist or nothin’, but I’m pretty sure there is a limited period of time when a woman can naturally conceive children. I think, at the very least, we ought to take this as a strong hint that it isn’t necessarily advisable to save having a family for the precise point in our lives when having a family is potentially physically impossible.
And even before it becomes impossible, it becomes increasingly risky as women get older. I’m not saying that women in their late 30′s shouldn’t have kids, only that it’s usually not the best strategy to wait until then to start trying.
Our fertility is not a disease. Our biology is not a mistake. Our bodies definitely have an opinion about when we should start making a family, and I think we should probably listen.
8) It’ll be the best adventure of your life.
We’re young. We’re risk takers. Thrill seekers. We’re bold and ambitious. We’re the strivers, the dreamers, the fighters, the revolutionaries.
So if you really want to do something bold and beautiful with your youth — love someone, commit to them, have kids, forge a place in this world for you and your family. You can go stare at buildings in Europe and walk across sandy beaches on the Pacific, but none of those experiences will teach you more about yourself and the world than staring into someone’s eyes and saying “I do,” or holding your child and swearing silently to God that you will gladly die for this little being in your arms.
In the end, these are the things most of us long for, whether we know it or not. We want to commit ourselves to that which is greater than ourselves. We want to love, to fight, to live for something.
But society urges us to concentrate our efforts elsewhere. That’s why you can type ‘things you should do in your twenties’ into Google, and you’ll get a bunch of articles listing everything but ‘get married and have kids.’ Cosmopolitan magazine encourages its readers to dedicate their twenties to having sex with hot guys and wearing brightly colored shirts at rock festivals. Buzzfeed tells us to act goofy and get plenty of AIDS tests. Another site advises us to drunk dial our exes, dye our hair blue, and dance.
No time for marriage and kids when we’re too busy sitting with our blue hair at Walgreens waiting for our Valtrex prescription, I guess.
This is what our culture wants of us. It wants us to whittle away an entire decade pretending that we’re still teenagers on spring break.
But I think we’re capable of more than that.
I think we’re capable of great things.
And there’s nothing greater than starting a family.
By Matt Walsh
Source: http://www.theblaze.com/wp-content/themes/TheBlaze/mi.php?dest=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.theblaze.com%2Fcontributions%2Fhey-young-people-nows-the-time-to-get-married-and-have-kids%2F
Three whole years.
That means we have another seven until we can start pretending like we know a thing or two, and probably another twenty until we actually do.
At the moment we’re still novices. And we’re young. I was 24 when we met and got engaged and 25 when we tied the knot. That would make us pretty run of the mill by our grandparents’ standards, but not anymore. These days we’re practically a Ripley’s Believe It Or Not exhibit.
People are downright befuddled to come across a 20-something with a wedding ring, much less a couple of carseats in the back of the sedan.
There’s a good reason for their shocked amazement. Indeed, young families are a dying breed.
It seems every week we get a new report illustrating what we already know: young people aren’t getting married. Millennials are delaying marriage longer than any generation before us, and according to some studies, more than 25 percent of us will never take the plunge at all.
We are, without a doubt, the most marriage-averse group in human history.
Every generation leaves its own mark on the world, and this is ours. Rejecting an institution that is integral to our advancement as a species; that will be our legacy. Maybe our kids — the dozen or so we collectively produce — will continue this process of self-destruction by being the first to voluntarily give up on water and oxygen.
Who knows? We can’t tell them how to live, man.
So I’d like to take the occasion of my wedding anniversary to offer some needed encouragement to my millennial peers.
I implore you, friends, don’t be afraid of marriage.
Look, I’ve been young and single. In fact, I’ve been more single than many of you, as I lived completely on my own — no roommates or live-in girlfriends — for the first five years of my twenties. And I’ve also been young and married with kids and responsibilities. If I could choose between the two, I’d take young and married every time, without a doubt.
You won’t hear this from very many people anymore, but this is my advice: get married young. Have kids. Don’t be scared of growing up.
Most people are supposed to venture out into the world and start families while they are still young and full of life and energy.
Most people. I didn’t say all. I didn’t say every. I didn’t say there aren’t exceptions or that people don’t have different vocations and callings in life. I said most. As a fundamental, general principle, human beings shouldn’t wait until they’re 35 or 40 to start a family. That’s what our twenties are for.
Now — with the already-stated disclaimer that I am an not a marriage expert and I do not mean to suggest that the following points apply equally to literally every single human being who has ever walked the face of the Earth — I’m going to give you eight solid reasons why young people should start thinking about marriage and kids now, rather than two and a half decades from now.
1) You don’t need money to get married.
What is with this ‘I can’t afford to get married’ stuff? There isn’t an hourly fee attached to marriage, as far as I’m aware. If there is, I don’t know how I managed to pay it three years ago when my salary was a whopping 400 bucks a week.
Besides, every day I see a link on Facebook to ridiculous clickbait websites like Elite Daily or Thought Catalog, explaining the ’30 Things You Should Try in Your Twenties,’ or some such nonsense, and the list always includes traveling, partying, and hanging out at bars.
What do all of these things have in common?
They cost money. A lot of it, actually. We don’t get married or have kids because we ‘can’t afford it,’ but we certainly don’t let our limited finances get in the way of our recreational activities. And we definitely won’t allow our minimal income to prevent us from collecting all of the latest Apple products.
We can’t afford to be spouses and parents, but we can sure afford to be extremely active consumers.
Something seems a little off balance here.
Really, in a culture overrun with consumerism, very few people can claim they ‘don’t have the money’ to do important things. It’s not a matter of a lack of resources at all — it’s a matter of jumbled priorities.
In any case, money or no money, the good news is that marriage is free. Sure, the ceremony might cost you a penny or two or million, but married life doesn’t come with a specific price tag.
Neither do kids, incidentally. I know economists like to assign completely arbitrary cost figures to raising kids — I think it’s over a quarter million dollars now — but I can tell you unequivocally that it’s all nonsense. My parents raised six kids. By these calculations, they would have plunked down around 1.5 million dollars throughout my childhood.
They didn’t. Not even close. In fact, there are many large families out there who manage to survive and thrive on solidly lower-middle class incomes. It’s not magic. It’s just a matter of controlling your impulses and exercising a little discipline.
2) You aren’t your parents.
I’m lucky. My parents have been married for over 30 years and provided me and my siblings with an incredible example of what marital love and fidelity looks like.
Many of my peers were not so fortunate.
Millions grew up in chaotic homes, witnessing the daily horror of selfish, immature parents verbally and emotionally tearing each other apart, until one finally left, dooming the kids to a childhood of guilt and abandonment.
A great many Millennials came of age in this kind of tumultuous, spiritually violent environment. Having seen nothing but failed marriages and bitter divorces — having never witnessed a healthy, stable, married life — they’ve become incredibly jaded.
Marriage is misery, they think, and I can’t blame them for feeling that way. Still, it’s about time they come to understand that their parents made choices. They chose to have that kind of marriage.
You do not have to make the same choice.
You are not your parents.
You have seen a bad marriage, now go and make a better one.
3) Marriage is about experiencing life with your spouse by your side.
There’s a very basic and very lethal flaw in the “I’ll get married once everything is perfect in my life” philosophy. Actually, two.
First, nothing will ever be perfect. Sorry.
Second, a big advantage to marriage is that it gives you the wonderful opportunity to traverse the peaks and valleys of life with your husband or wife beside you.
Maybe this is another reason behind the divorce epidemic. We don’t go into marriage prepared to meet any serious challenges because we think we’re supposed to wait until all of those challenges have passed. But they’re never gone for good, so when they inevitably reappear we start looking for the nearest exit. “Hey! What is this — an obstacle? I didn’t sign up for this!”
4) Youth is a gift.
There’s a reason why we idolize youth in our culture (though to an unhealthy degree). With youth comes health, energy, endurance, and vitality. These are good things; they give us purpose and promise in our younger years.
The question is how do we use these gifts? Or, more importantly, who do we give these gifts to?
Do we keep them to ourselves? Do we use them to become more passionate consumers, more fervent video game players, and more enthusiastic bar patrons? Do we devote them entirely to our employer in the name of being more perfect servants to our corporate masters? Or do we give them to our spouse and then to our children?
Which is the most worthy and worthwhile cause?
On a related note, Facebook and Apple recently announced an exciting new health benefit: they’ll pay to have their female employees’ eggs frozen so that the women on their payroll can concentrate on attending meetings and doing their boss’ bidding without worrying about any pesky children showing up and getting in the way.
Feminists have called this empowerment, but I think we can call it another cultural nadir. We have sunken so low that now we treat children as leftovers, storing the ingredients in the freezer, hoping to come back to them at a more convenient time.
But kids are not last night’s casserole and our biology is not something that we should try to circumvent.
We give our youth to our bosses and our cubicles and then bring (or try to bring) children and spouses into the equation once we’re tired and beaten down after years of serving ourselves and our career ambitions.
It’s crazy. And I mean really crazy, especially now that we’ve started removing body parts in order to ensure that kids don’t spoil our chances of climbing into the next tax bracket.
This is the kind of behavior that our ancestors would look upon with pure bewilderment and disgust.
I know how they feel.
5) Family life is edifying.
You won’t miraculously turn into a better person because you got married and had kids, obviously. But, at their essence, families are built and held together through sacrificial love, and this is something that can — if you give yourself over to it — sanctify you and bring you closer to God.
When you pour your energies and efforts into serving and loving your spouse, raising your children, and guiding your family, you’ll find that, inevitably, you grow and mature in the process.
I’m not suggesting that anyone run out and get married as some sort of self-help strategy. I am, however, saying that your bond with your spouse and your children has the ability to change you and illuminate your life in ways that nothing else can. Best friends, siblings, parents — none of these relationships have quite the same kind of potential.
Certainly, live-in girlfriends and boyfriends are no replacement for the commitment, sacrifice, and profound love of a family joined together through the sacrament of marriage.
6) You don’t have to wait for ‘The One.’
This isn’t The Matrix, nor are we living in some godforsaken Disney movie. I can’t believe, with all of our modern cynicism, that we still hang onto the fairy tale notion that there is one single, specific individual waiting out there, looking up at the moon longing for the romantic embrace of the one and only person destined to be their lover for all eternity.
I don’t mean to scandalize you, but here’s the reality: The One doesn’t exist.
You aren’t fated to love any particular person. You choose to love them, and when you marry them you reaffirm that choice every day, forever, until death do you part. There’s nothing written in the stars. It’s got nothing to do with destiny or whatever silly crap you read in a Nicholas Sparks novel.
If you’ve been through 14 relationships, throwing yourself into them before high tailing out of there at the first sign of trouble, I have bad news: ‘The One’ won’t suddenly appear out of the wilderness with ‘MARRY ME’ tattooed across their forehead. And if someone like that does emerge from the forest one day — run. Call the cops.
The truth is, the one you marry is The One. That’s all. You married them so they are The One. There is zero chance that you get married only to find out that your mystical soul mate was actually on an expedition in Antarctica this whole time, and if you’d held out a little longer you could have lived happily ever after.
Marriage bonds you eternally to your spouse, making them your soul mate and nobody else. Period. That’s all there is to it.
7) Biology is a thing.
Now, I ain’t no scientist or nothin’, but I’m pretty sure there is a limited period of time when a woman can naturally conceive children. I think, at the very least, we ought to take this as a strong hint that it isn’t necessarily advisable to save having a family for the precise point in our lives when having a family is potentially physically impossible.
And even before it becomes impossible, it becomes increasingly risky as women get older. I’m not saying that women in their late 30′s shouldn’t have kids, only that it’s usually not the best strategy to wait until then to start trying.
Our fertility is not a disease. Our biology is not a mistake. Our bodies definitely have an opinion about when we should start making a family, and I think we should probably listen.
8) It’ll be the best adventure of your life.
We’re young. We’re risk takers. Thrill seekers. We’re bold and ambitious. We’re the strivers, the dreamers, the fighters, the revolutionaries.
So if you really want to do something bold and beautiful with your youth — love someone, commit to them, have kids, forge a place in this world for you and your family. You can go stare at buildings in Europe and walk across sandy beaches on the Pacific, but none of those experiences will teach you more about yourself and the world than staring into someone’s eyes and saying “I do,” or holding your child and swearing silently to God that you will gladly die for this little being in your arms.
In the end, these are the things most of us long for, whether we know it or not. We want to commit ourselves to that which is greater than ourselves. We want to love, to fight, to live for something.
But society urges us to concentrate our efforts elsewhere. That’s why you can type ‘things you should do in your twenties’ into Google, and you’ll get a bunch of articles listing everything but ‘get married and have kids.’ Cosmopolitan magazine encourages its readers to dedicate their twenties to having sex with hot guys and wearing brightly colored shirts at rock festivals. Buzzfeed tells us to act goofy and get plenty of AIDS tests. Another site advises us to drunk dial our exes, dye our hair blue, and dance.
No time for marriage and kids when we’re too busy sitting with our blue hair at Walgreens waiting for our Valtrex prescription, I guess.
This is what our culture wants of us. It wants us to whittle away an entire decade pretending that we’re still teenagers on spring break.
But I think we’re capable of more than that.
I think we’re capable of great things.
And there’s nothing greater than starting a family.
By Matt Walsh
Source: http://www.theblaze.com/wp-content/themes/TheBlaze/mi.php?dest=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.theblaze.com%2Fcontributions%2Fhey-young-people-nows-the-time-to-get-married-and-have-kids%2F
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