Every year over one million parents have to talk to their kids about divorce. For each parent, the discussions differ, but the goals of the discussions are universal: to openly and honestly reassure your child of your love.
Divorce is painful and traumatic for all involved - spouses and children alike. We all happily begin our lives together full of shared hopes and dreams and committed to a lasting and loving relationship. Yet almost 50 % of today's marriages end in divorce. How parents handle divorce, however, makes the difference in their children's healthy adjustment or potential maladjustment.
Here's an example of how to begin talking to your child about your divorce.
Let's meet Brad: Brad is 9 years old and an only child. He's the apple of his mother's eye and dad's best buddy. Brad is at the top of his class in school and participates in the school band and in the spelling bee. He's also an active athlete - playing intramural hockey and soccer, and running competitively. Both of his parents attend all of his sports and school activities.
One day to his surprise Dad takes him out after a soccer game and tells him "I have something sad to tell you. Mom and I are having a hard time, and you may have noticed something wasn't right between us, and you are right. We're going to live in different houses and you'll be spending some of the week with me and some with your Mom. I know this will be difficult for all of us. So we should talk about it openly together and about what we're both feeling."
Discussing divorce with your children is never easy. Here are some tips to help ease this transition.
1. Communicate with your spouse: Although things have not worked out in the marriage, the two of you still have children to raise together. Be sure you both are in agreement as to the timeline of the change and give your children clear dates and details. The more solid the plan, the less anxiety your child will experience.
2. Use age appropriate language and details: A five-year-old and ten-year-old understand very different things and have different levels of maturity. Follow their questioning before offering details. Be honest, but remember what is appropriate for the age of the child or they will not comprehend the situation.
3. Reassurance: Reassure them that they will continue to be loved and cared for by the two of you. Let your children know that your love for one another has changed, but that your love for them remains strong and constant. Reiterate that the divorce is not their fault.
4. Discretion: Make an agreement with your spouse to not speak badly about the other spouse to the children. Refrain from arguing in front of the children and do your best to keep them out of your conflict!
5. Know yourself: Be aware of your own feelings of hurt or anger. Do not make a child a confidant for the pain the divorce is causing you. Seek a support group to help you through this period. Share your feelings with friends and professionals. Children are not therapists!
9.28.2009
9.15.2009
My Success As a Single Mom
Birds chirped outside the window in the branches of the flowering locust tree. Spring hung in the air but not in my heart. I sat in the second row of the classroom watching my oldest daughter, 5-year-old Ashley, file into the room with the other students dressed for their preschool graduation.
The ceremony began. I scarcely heard a word, however, as I watched my child and wondered how the events of the previous 18 months would affect her. Her dad had left our home when Ashley was 3, her sister, Courtney, was 1 and I was pregnant with her brother, Clint. My mind retraced the events. Afraid to face what lay ahead on my own, I had surrendered my life to Christ. I prayed, "I give You not just this situation, but I give You my whole life."
Then I had read everything I could get my hands on and pulled godly people around me for counsel. In Love Life for Every Married Couple, author Ed Wheat talked about three options every couple face during crises in marriage: get divorced, remain in a bad situation or stay together and make things better. I had chosen to stay, but eventually my husband served me divorce papers.
The teacher in front of me finished her words, then had the children stand to receive their diplomas: "Now students, take your diplomas to your parents."
Ashley stood, head held high. She reached with enthusiasm to accept her certificate, then she walked toward me, smiling. She stopped and turned toward the rear of the room where her dad sat. She headed toward him. She stopped again and turned back toward me. Her eyes met mine, and in that moment I saw every question and hurt and uncertainty she felt over her home breaking apart. What do I do? Whom do I run to? Where do I belong? I smiled and nodded for her to take the diploma to her dad, her quandary fixed for the moment.
Ashley has just turned 18. Long ago she outgrew her yellow bows, and her little curls have turned to long brown tresses. She will soon graduate again, this time from high school. How have I managed to raise her and her siblings by myself for more than 14 years?
I found help. I couldn't do it alone, so I found other people to fill in the blanks. Neighbors picked up kids from school, church youth groups provided Christian influence and coaches taught athletic skills with that manly touch. Along the way, I discovered that I had to make my needs known and ask for assistance.
I sought mentors. Not only did my children need mentors, I needed them, too. I watched for older women who could listen, pass on godly wisdom and hold me accountable. I also kept my eye open for adults and older children to connect with each of my kids. Before I knew it, I had become a mentor to other single moms and dads new to the journey.
I shook off the guilt. I did all I could do to keep my marriage from breaking apart. Sure, I'd made mistakes, but I could, without remorse, move forward after I'd taken sufficient time to heal. I also worked hard to remember I could only do so much and then let the rest go. I also had to remember that I could never become a dad to my kids, only the best mom I could ever be.
I forgave. Yes, I'd had awful things done to me, and at one point I could without hesitation relate chapter and verse of all the bad things. But no more. As long as I held onto all that stuff, I kept myself imprisoned by them. One day I sat at a table and named every rotten thing that my husband had ever done to me, and I laid down a slip of paper to represent each infraction. Then I picked each reminder up one by one and prayed to forgive. When I finished the last one, I threw the papers away. That freed me to move on. Throughout the process, I worked also to forgive myself for mistakes I had made.
I spent time with my kids. My children weren't impressed with my college degrees or my publishing or my name in the community. Instead, their mom was great because she was there for them. She listened and loved and understood. I've tried to always keep that in perspective and remember that my children are my most important job on earth.
I accepted the fact that I wouldn't do everything right. I have lost my patience, acted unwisely, made poor choices and given wrong guidance. All I could expect from myself was the best I could do. This became an enormous pressure relief.
I nurtured my faith. Knowing that God would be with me all the time brought me comfort when I felt most alone. I have made sure to nurture that relationship in the years since, both through church and through new relationships I have found.
God has truly remained faithful to me and my family over these years, and He will continue to guide us to the end of the journey. Yet there's still a degree of sadness in my heart. I've given my children the best of everything I could at home, school and church. But I can never give them solid tools for loving and for resolving conflict that come from two parents committed to keeping their home together. To try to mend the torn places in a child from a divorced home is similar to patching a torn piece of fabric: It can be repaired, but it will never be like new.
Ashley recently ran in her cross-country regionals and won first place. My heart swelled with the same pride I have known since my first hour of becoming a mom. But as I watched her cross the finish line, I felt another all-too-familiar emotion, which caused me to pause. Ashley stumbled toward her dad and leaned on his shoulder as he helped her walk out the strenuous race she had just run. She looked over at me, despite her pain, and I saw that same look of uncertainty I had seen in her face at age 5. What do I do? Whom do I run to? Where do I belong?
If I could accomplish one thing with my life, it would be to stamp out divorce. I have seen the devastation it causes. I know why God says in Malachi 2:16, "I hate divorce." He knows and I know that divorce is not the way it was meant to be — not for the mother or the father or the children.
by Lynda Hunter
Original Post :http://www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechallenges/relationship_challenges/divorce/my_success_as_a_single_mom.aspx
9.11.2009
How Can The Single Mom Do It?
More and more moms are finding themselves left without a spouse and handed all the responsibility of raising a family. A recent news report stated that the number of single-parent households has actually doubled in just the last 20 years. For most single mothers, that means working a job full-time and parenting full-time. That's quite a load, to say the least.
From watching my single mother as I was growing up, and from witnessing the lives of many women who are in that situation now, four things stand out as essentials if you're going to succeed, not just survive, as a single mom.
1. Strive to have a positive attitude.
Attitude is everything. It affects both mental and physical health, and it largely determines whether you succeed or fail. People who think they can, usually can. People who don't think they can, usually can't—whatever the issue at hand, whatever the demand. You must have a positive attitude if you want to succeed. But single moms can become weighed down with emotions that are like strikes against them when it comes to choosing their attitude.
One strike can be anger. Anger because they're alone. Anger toward their ex-husband. Anger because the world isn't fair. Anger because they have to struggle at a job and then go home and be both a mom and a dad to their children. Anger because people just don't understand the unrelenting demands that pull at them day in and day out, all week and all weekend.
A second strike may be resentment. Unresolved anger can become resentment toward others. Very often it's misdirected and becomes aimed at parents, friends, or churches who may not have had a role in events or any power to sway them. Resentment hurts both the person who feels it and those around her.
Sometimes we feel as if we deserve to carry around bitter feelings. Letting go can feel like saying, "It really doesn't matter so much." But we feel just the opposite. It does matter so much. And it hurts so much. But not dealing with anger and resentment is like covering a boil, hoping it will simply go away. It won't. It will only fester, grow, spread, and erupt in other places. And the pain will only increase.
You don't really deserve to carry around your anger and bitterness. You deserve to be free of it. Letting it go doesn't mean it didn't matter. It just means it isn't worth the cost of hanging on to the infection. Striving to have a positive attitude is like sunshine and fresh air. It's cleansing. It lightens your load. It strengthens and renews health. That's what you really deserve.
Julie is a young, single mom and the sweetest person you could ever meet. You look at her and think. The husband who abandoned her should have his head examined. She didn't deserve that.
When her husband first left, Julie was overwhelmed with grief and the responsibility of caring for her two early-teen children alone. She struggled with feelings of rejection, fear, and devastation.
Her turning point toward renewed health and successful living came, she says, when she decided to lay aside her anger and despair and take positive responsibility for providing a secure home for her children. She knew it wouldn't be easy, but she was determined to do the job and do it well.
Julie realized she couldn't do the job alone, however, so she got involved with a support group through her church. From other members she learned coping skills and gained understanding help. For her emotional health, she went to counseling and took classes. She even got training to help other women in the same situation.
It was difficult for Julie to quit blaming her former husband for her struggles and take this kind of responsibility. It required some heavy-duty anger resolution. But in the process, she became free to enjoy life again.
Julie works hard to provide a healthy environment for her kids, being there for them when she's not at her job, making financial sacrifices to give them opportunities for development—and all with a positive outlook on life. She has also found mentors to give them a constant, healthy male presence. She made the kids' daytime caregiver a friend of the family so she's not just "the sitter." And for the children's sake, she has tried to maintain as good a relationship as possible with their father. Julie's life as a single mom takes extra effort day after day. But with determination and a positive attitude, she's making it.
The same can be true for you. Take heart. Strive to have a positive attitude. Get help in doing that if you need it. But begin to look at your situation in a different light, and make something of it that will count.
2. Refuse to give in to comparisons.
Comparisons can be deadly. First, they're usually shortsighted and incorrect. You never see the whole story. You don't know what other people may be dealing with. Anyway, we're each unique. None of us is alike, so why are we always comparing ourselves to one another?
When we make comparisons, we begin to have expectations. And often, those expectations are unreasonable. Just as a poor family can't expect to have a house and car as nice as those of their more-well-to-do neighbors, you can't expect to produce the same energy and creativity around the house as your married, stay-at-home friend next door. That's just not realistic. The best advice is to use your mental and physical energy determining how to make the most of your situation, not focusing on comparisons or expending all your efforts trying to match someone else's standard of living.
A friend went flying in a small plane with his son. Something happened aboard the plane that caused it to go down. Our friend, Mick, survived. His son did not. As a result of his loss, he often says, "Things wouldn't be so hard if we didn't expect them to be so easy."
Things won't be so difficult for you as a single mom if you don't expect them to be easy. Refuse to make the comparisons. Refuse to buy into the expectations of keeping up with someone else, of having everything they have. The truth is, you won't be able to do everything. You may not have all you want or once had. But that's okay. Our lives are not measured in our abundance of things.
3. Never give up.
When you give up, you quit fighting. When you quit fighting, you lose. Never give up, because only by hanging in will you win. Determination is necessary to overcome any obstacle, any challenge, any handicap. Whenever something doesn't work out, you have to try again. Maybe from a different angle, maybe in a different way, but you have to keep trying.
I used to play tennis with June. June had only one hand, so tennis was a big challenge for her. Imagine learning to toss the ball in the air and then hit it with a racket, all using one hand. That's how she served. It wasn't easy. It took more energy than the normal way. But she never gave up, and she became an excellent player.
4. Nurture your soul.
All of us need a resource outside ourselves. And everyone needs to go to that source for nourishment and refreshment. Nurture your soul. Refresh it. Don't neglect the needs of your innermost being. For our family, our source has been God Himself.
Back in that little migrant shack, my mother nurtured her soul from the Bible every day. When there was no soap for the washing machine. Mom would remind us that God would provide. When things were especially hard, she would rehearse for us how good God was, how He would never leave us. When my father became abusive and she was in physical danger, she would reflect on God's promises and remind us that He knows all things. Though we had almost nothing, she would assure us we had all we needed.
Imagine the inner strength she must have had to endure those hard days. That strength remained constant because she nurtured her soul. And imagine the foundation it gave her three children. We saw what really mattered. We saw how to lay a foundation to support us against anything we would ever face in life. We learned where to go for our own inner strength. And what security and emotional stamina that built into us!
How can the single mom do it? It's not an easy road. Strive to have a positive attitude. Refuse to give in to comparisons. Never give up. And nurture your soul. For my mother, that meant reading her Bible, believing God was big enough to deal with her problems, and then choosing to live like it. I pray these will be your resolutions too. They work!
by Linda Weber, excerpted from "Mom, You're Incredible!", Broadman and Holman Publishers
Original Post: http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3577185&content_id={967388D7-B23A-416F-A06C-B3C94581FA8F}&notoc=1
From watching my single mother as I was growing up, and from witnessing the lives of many women who are in that situation now, four things stand out as essentials if you're going to succeed, not just survive, as a single mom.
1. Strive to have a positive attitude.
Attitude is everything. It affects both mental and physical health, and it largely determines whether you succeed or fail. People who think they can, usually can. People who don't think they can, usually can't—whatever the issue at hand, whatever the demand. You must have a positive attitude if you want to succeed. But single moms can become weighed down with emotions that are like strikes against them when it comes to choosing their attitude.
One strike can be anger. Anger because they're alone. Anger toward their ex-husband. Anger because the world isn't fair. Anger because they have to struggle at a job and then go home and be both a mom and a dad to their children. Anger because people just don't understand the unrelenting demands that pull at them day in and day out, all week and all weekend.
A second strike may be resentment. Unresolved anger can become resentment toward others. Very often it's misdirected and becomes aimed at parents, friends, or churches who may not have had a role in events or any power to sway them. Resentment hurts both the person who feels it and those around her.
Sometimes we feel as if we deserve to carry around bitter feelings. Letting go can feel like saying, "It really doesn't matter so much." But we feel just the opposite. It does matter so much. And it hurts so much. But not dealing with anger and resentment is like covering a boil, hoping it will simply go away. It won't. It will only fester, grow, spread, and erupt in other places. And the pain will only increase.
You don't really deserve to carry around your anger and bitterness. You deserve to be free of it. Letting it go doesn't mean it didn't matter. It just means it isn't worth the cost of hanging on to the infection. Striving to have a positive attitude is like sunshine and fresh air. It's cleansing. It lightens your load. It strengthens and renews health. That's what you really deserve.
Julie is a young, single mom and the sweetest person you could ever meet. You look at her and think. The husband who abandoned her should have his head examined. She didn't deserve that.
When her husband first left, Julie was overwhelmed with grief and the responsibility of caring for her two early-teen children alone. She struggled with feelings of rejection, fear, and devastation.
Her turning point toward renewed health and successful living came, she says, when she decided to lay aside her anger and despair and take positive responsibility for providing a secure home for her children. She knew it wouldn't be easy, but she was determined to do the job and do it well.
Julie realized she couldn't do the job alone, however, so she got involved with a support group through her church. From other members she learned coping skills and gained understanding help. For her emotional health, she went to counseling and took classes. She even got training to help other women in the same situation.
It was difficult for Julie to quit blaming her former husband for her struggles and take this kind of responsibility. It required some heavy-duty anger resolution. But in the process, she became free to enjoy life again.
Julie works hard to provide a healthy environment for her kids, being there for them when she's not at her job, making financial sacrifices to give them opportunities for development—and all with a positive outlook on life. She has also found mentors to give them a constant, healthy male presence. She made the kids' daytime caregiver a friend of the family so she's not just "the sitter." And for the children's sake, she has tried to maintain as good a relationship as possible with their father. Julie's life as a single mom takes extra effort day after day. But with determination and a positive attitude, she's making it.
The same can be true for you. Take heart. Strive to have a positive attitude. Get help in doing that if you need it. But begin to look at your situation in a different light, and make something of it that will count.
2. Refuse to give in to comparisons.
Comparisons can be deadly. First, they're usually shortsighted and incorrect. You never see the whole story. You don't know what other people may be dealing with. Anyway, we're each unique. None of us is alike, so why are we always comparing ourselves to one another?
When we make comparisons, we begin to have expectations. And often, those expectations are unreasonable. Just as a poor family can't expect to have a house and car as nice as those of their more-well-to-do neighbors, you can't expect to produce the same energy and creativity around the house as your married, stay-at-home friend next door. That's just not realistic. The best advice is to use your mental and physical energy determining how to make the most of your situation, not focusing on comparisons or expending all your efforts trying to match someone else's standard of living.
A friend went flying in a small plane with his son. Something happened aboard the plane that caused it to go down. Our friend, Mick, survived. His son did not. As a result of his loss, he often says, "Things wouldn't be so hard if we didn't expect them to be so easy."
Things won't be so difficult for you as a single mom if you don't expect them to be easy. Refuse to make the comparisons. Refuse to buy into the expectations of keeping up with someone else, of having everything they have. The truth is, you won't be able to do everything. You may not have all you want or once had. But that's okay. Our lives are not measured in our abundance of things.
3. Never give up.
When you give up, you quit fighting. When you quit fighting, you lose. Never give up, because only by hanging in will you win. Determination is necessary to overcome any obstacle, any challenge, any handicap. Whenever something doesn't work out, you have to try again. Maybe from a different angle, maybe in a different way, but you have to keep trying.
I used to play tennis with June. June had only one hand, so tennis was a big challenge for her. Imagine learning to toss the ball in the air and then hit it with a racket, all using one hand. That's how she served. It wasn't easy. It took more energy than the normal way. But she never gave up, and she became an excellent player.
4. Nurture your soul.
All of us need a resource outside ourselves. And everyone needs to go to that source for nourishment and refreshment. Nurture your soul. Refresh it. Don't neglect the needs of your innermost being. For our family, our source has been God Himself.
Back in that little migrant shack, my mother nurtured her soul from the Bible every day. When there was no soap for the washing machine. Mom would remind us that God would provide. When things were especially hard, she would rehearse for us how good God was, how He would never leave us. When my father became abusive and she was in physical danger, she would reflect on God's promises and remind us that He knows all things. Though we had almost nothing, she would assure us we had all we needed.
Imagine the inner strength she must have had to endure those hard days. That strength remained constant because she nurtured her soul. And imagine the foundation it gave her three children. We saw what really mattered. We saw how to lay a foundation to support us against anything we would ever face in life. We learned where to go for our own inner strength. And what security and emotional stamina that built into us!
How can the single mom do it? It's not an easy road. Strive to have a positive attitude. Refuse to give in to comparisons. Never give up. And nurture your soul. For my mother, that meant reading her Bible, believing God was big enough to deal with her problems, and then choosing to live like it. I pray these will be your resolutions too. They work!
by Linda Weber, excerpted from "Mom, You're Incredible!", Broadman and Holman Publishers
Original Post: http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3577185&content_id={967388D7-B23A-416F-A06C-B3C94581FA8F}&notoc=1
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)