Drained Batteries and Real Love

This morning's chat with a friend...

[friend] "After this week, I have a much greater appreciation for you mothers. I clearly understand how the constant emotional stress of raising several children can wear you down. You mothers deserve one day completely off per week and one weekend off per month. We fathers have it easy. All we have to do is go to work. If we do not like the people we work with, we have the liberty to go elsewhere. You mothers do not have that liberty. Amen for mothers!"

[me] "Yes, it is very difficult...and most of the work and struggles we go through go unrecognized and unappreciated. Unfortunately, we are often also isolated from the very things that would refresh and energize us, so that we can be the wife and mother we truly desire to be. Things like: alone time, romantic (not sex) time with our husbands, and fun time with friends. We live like drained batteries, trying to serve our function but almost out of juice! Sometimes a woman can get so drained (physically, emotionally & mentally) that she "dies" like the battery, and has nothing left to give." 

This friend is the father of several children, and going through a divorce after 15 years of marriage. Part of his transformation has come from watching the movie Fireproof . We have talked alot lately, as he is trying to get a woman's perspective and understand (his soon-to-be ex) wife's reasons for being "done" with their marriage.

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Ephesians 5: 25-33 (NIV)

What is love?
Love is more than emotion. Love is more than just commitment or duty. Love is more than physical affection or sex. Love is EVERY day considering the other person's needs before your own. And... if you BOTH do that... nothing can tear you apart. Of all of the powers in the universe and laws of nature...the greatest of these is love.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:4-13(NIV)

Getting better at loving!
If you sincerely want to understand your spouse better, and what he or she needs, I strongly recommend the following books if you haven't read them:

The Five Love Languages:  How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman
Captivating:  Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul by John & Stasi Eldredge
Wild at Heart:  Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul by John Eldredge

Pessimism vs Optimism

I have decided that this is now one of my favorite quotes...

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."  - Winston Churchill

All of us have struggles. All of us have suffered loss, regret, or betrayal to some degree. Most of us wish we had more money, more time, more opportunity. We have to make the choice every day whether or not we are going to live as a victim or overcomer. So which do we choose?

It doesn't matter how we are raised, what our personality type is, culture, age & experience, or religious affiliation. We need to stop making excuses and try to make lemonade from life's lemons! Human nature leads us to fall into the trap of holding our own personal "pity party", and sometimes we try to draw others into it just to make ourselves feel better.

As those close to me know, one of my life-long philosophies is that regardless of what pain I go through or troubles I experience, it's worth it if somehow I can get to the other side and help someone else through the same thing. Thank God for those that have helped me through stuff over the years! The wisdom, experience, insight, understanding and unconditional love of others is the biggest blessing for those walking through a valley.

1. Choose to react as an optimist, not a pessimist!
2. Surround yourself with people who would encourage you.
3. Have faith...you're not alone :)

5 Signs You Have an Addictive Personality

Even if the line is thin or blurred at times, there's still a barrier between acceptable behavior or enjoyment of hobbies and addiction. But how do you know if you've taken it a step too far? According to Dr. Stephen Mason in an article published in Psychology Today, that question is hard to answer for 10 to 15 percent of the population.  For those who are unwilling to admit this issue, the path to destructive behavior can severally damage or ruin other aspects of everyday life and personal relationships.  If you think you might be walking down this dark road, here are five signs often found in individuals suffering from addictive personality and related disorders, and how to avoid giving in.

1. Inability To Control Impulsive Behavior

Ever feel like you simply can't resist the appeal of a new hobby or activity? As Dr. Dana Davis of Scitable notes, a weakness for impulsive behavior is a clear indicator of addictive personality.

While there's nothing wrong with enjoying the latest trends or even simply trying new things to spice up your life, a consistent and unrelenting need for the "next great thing" is not a stable approach to daily activities.

If you're suffering from this aspect of addictive personality disorder, slowing things down when that rush of excitement hits you is the key to overcoming these urges. Spending a few seconds looking at the situation from a rational perspective puts the fervor and excitement of the moment on the back burner, helping to keep you calm and overcome powerful impulses.

2. Weak Commitment To Personal Goals & Values

Those of you who identity with impulsive behavior probably know that the logical follow up to that trait is a weak overall commitment to personal goals and values. As each impulse strikes, it's only natural to leave your former passion and desire out in the cold as you chase a new concept or activity.

In a New York Times article, Bryce Nelson explains this sensation-seeking predisposition can make others view your personality or commitment to events and ideals as flippant or superficial.
Overcoming this trait of addictive personality is a little tricky. After all, people change, so it's unfair to assume that you'll remain a static character forever. The best way to combat this problem is by enacting an honest evaluation of your current goals when a new interest enters your life.

Instead of just jumping ship, try to take a long-term approach and see if shifting your perspective or allegiance to a certain cause or activity is really worth the cost of moving away from where you currently stand.

3. Constant Stress & Anxiety

Nelson goes on to point out that dealing with an addictive personality comes with quite a bit of stress and anxiety. Whether it's personal regret for impulsive actions, substance abuse or disappointment leveled against you by others, the burden of battling addictive traits can weigh you down with anxiety and stress.

Thankfully, admitting you have a problem with this type of behavior and seeking help is the best way to lift these negative feelings. No one is perfect so this isn't a quick and easy fix, but you'll soon rest easier knowing that you're doing everything in your power to break the habit.

4. Recurring Themes Of Social Alienation

Another major sign that you're fighting an addictive personality comes in the form of social alienation and loneliness.

By flitting from one social group to another, or constantly jumping between hobbies, it's no surprise you've probably replaced deep, lasting bonds with transient and short-lived connections. Obviously, other factors play an important role when determining how your social life unfolds, but adhering to a slower, more reasoned approach to impulses and commitments is the best way to shed this persona and let your true personality shine through the shadows of addictive personality disorder.

5. Mood Swings & Negative Self Worth

The final and most telling sign you're suffering from addictive personality disorder is a negative self-image and a penchant for mood swings.

While the thrill of a new addiction or impulsive provides a high of its own, the truth is that when these feelings of happiness ebb, all you're left with are the ramifications of this destructive behavior, especially if things like drugs, alcohol and gambling are involved.

Again, the best way to fight back against this issue is admitting you have a problem. From here, you can reestablish a more appropriate and positive self-image. Once you have the true value of yourself back in place, you can begin the healing process with the help of others and overcome addictive personality once and for all.

Source:  http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-15682/5-signs-you-have-an-addictive-personality.html

More info on Wikipedia here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Addictive_personality

The Fork in the Road

I learned a long time ago that people do what they really want to do. 

They make excuses.
They blame others.
They justify.
They procrastinate.
They wimp out.

They claim it's circumstances, genetics, lack of time or money, yada-yada-yada! BUT

Ultimately, people still do what they really want to do. I admire the people who are willing to take some risks, think outside of the box, and go after their dreams even if it requires some sacrifices. Being successful in life has very little to do with how much money we make. It has more to do with who we become, what differences we make in this world, and who we get to share our life with.

It's our choice to MAKE our life instead of just letting life HAPPEN to us. So what do you really want for your life? Are you willing to do what it takes to make it happen? This reminds me of a quote... "If you want something you have never had, then you will have to do something you have never done."

Even God says: "My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." John 10:10b (NLT) It's your life and you only get one...go and live it!

Helping Someone with an Anxiety Disorder

Passing judgement, telling the person what to do, and pushing them causes the OPPOSITE effect compared to a "normal" person who doesn't deal with Anxiety/Panic disorder or PTSD. Saying these things steals their energy and courage, and makes them feel guilt for not being able to face their fear and perform at the level you expect of them. It causes a setback similar to ripping a scab off a wound before it's healed, and actually will cause more scarring in the process. Empathy, patience and understanding are key. What seems small to you is HUGE to them, and much harder to face than you may ever be able to comprehend.

They may feel afraid all the time. "Trauma alters the way a person sees the world, making it seem like a perpetually dangerous and frightening place. It also damages people’s ability to trust others and themselves.

Anything you can do to rebuild your loved one’s sense of security will contribute to recovery. This means cultivating a safe environment, acting in a dependable and reassuring way, and stepping in to help when needed. But it also means finding ways to empower the person. Better to build their confidence and self-trust by giving them more choices and control."

Here is a great article that gives more examples of how to support someone with an anxiety disorder:

7 Things You Should Never Say to Someone With Anxiety

by Lindsay Holmes

If you’ve ever suffered from severe anxiety, you’re probably overly familiar with the control it can have over your life. And you’re not alone -- it affects approximately 40 million adult Americans per year.

Anxiety and panic disorders can cause ceaseless feelings of fear and uncertainty -- and with that suffering often comes comments that are more hurtful than helpful. According to Scott Bea, clinical psychologist and assistant professor of medicine at the Cleveland Clinic, while it usually comes from a heartfelt place, a lack of understanding from others can make working through a panic attack incredibly challenging.

“So many of the things you might say end up having a paradoxical effect and make the anxiety worse,” Bea tells The Huffington Post. “Anxiety can be like quicksand -- the more you do to try to defuse the situation immediately, the deeper you sink. By telling people things like ‘stay calm,’ they can actually increase their sense of panic.”

Despite everything, there are ways to still be supportive without causing more distress. Here are seven comments you should avoid saying to someone who suffers from an anxiety disorder -- and how you can really help them instead.

1. “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”

The truth is, what you consider small may not be so minute in someone else’s world. While you may be trying to cast a positive, upbeat light on a tense situation, you may be diminishing something that’s a much bigger deal to another person.

“You have to enter the person’s belief system,” Bea advises. “For [someone with anxiety], everything is big stuff.” In order to help instead, try approaching them from a point of encouragement rather than implying that they “buck up” over something little. Reminding them that they overcame this panic before can help validate that their pain is real and help them push beyond those overwhelming feelings, Bea says.

2. “Calm down.”

The debilitating problem with anxiety and panic disorders is that you simply can’t calm down. Finding the ability to relax -- particularly on command -- isn’t easy for most people, and it certainly can be more difficult for someone suffering from anxiety.

In a blog post on Psychology Today, psychologist Shawn Smith wrote an open letter to a loved one from the viewpoint of someone with anxiety, stating that even though there may be good intentions behind it, telling someone to calm down will most likely have the opposite effect:

Let’s acknowledge the obvious: if I could stop my anxiety, I would have done so by now. That may be difficult to understand since it probably looks like I choose to [panic, scrub, hoard, pace, hide, ruminate, check, clean, etc]. I don’t. In my world, doing those things is only slightly less excruciating than not doing them. It’s a difficult thing to explain, but anxiety places a person in that position.

According to Keith Humphreys, a professor of psychiatry at Stanford University, your words don’t have to be your most powerful method -- offering to do something with them may be the best way to help alleviate their symptoms. Humphreys says activities like meditation, going for a walk or working out are all positive ways to help.

3. “Just do it.”

When someone with anxiety is facing their fear, a little “tough love” may not have the effect you’re hoping for. Depending on the type of phobia or disorder someone is dealing with, panic can strike at anytime -- whether it’s having to board an airplane, speaking with a group of people or even just occurring out of nowhere. “Obviously if they could overcome this they would because it would be more pleasant,” Humphreys says. “No one chooses to have anxiety. Using [these phrases] makes them feel defensive and unsupported.”

Instead of telling someone to “suck it up,” practicing empathy is key. Humphreys advises swapping pep-talk language for phrases like “that’s a terrible way to feel” or “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

“The paradox is, [an empathetic phrase] helps them calm down because they don’t feel like they have to fight for their anxiety,” Humphreys said. “It shows some understanding.”

4. “Everything is going to be fine.”

While overall supportive, Bea says that those with anxiety won’t really react to the comforting words in the way that you may hope. “Unfortunately, telling someone [who is dealing with anxiety] that ‘everything is going to be alright’ won’t do much, because nobody is going to believe it,” he explains. “Reassurance sometimes can be a bad method. It makes them feel better for 20 seconds and then doubt can creep in again.”

Bea suggests remaining encouraging, without using blanket statements that may not offer value to the situation. Sometimes, he says, even allowing them to embrace their worry -- instead of trying to banish it -- can be the only way to help. “They can always accept the condition,” Bea said. “Encouraging them that it’s okay to feel what they’re feeling -- that can be a pretty good fix as well.”

5. “I’m stressed out too.”

Similar to “calm down” and “don’t sweat the small stuff,” you may be accidentally trivializing someone’s struggle by creating a comparison. However, if you are stressed or suffering from a mild anxiety or panic disorder, Humphreys warns that camaraderie after a certain point can get dangerous. “It’s important not to obsess with each other,” Humphreys advises. “If you have two people who are anxious, they may feed off each other. If people have trouble controlling their own anxiety, try not to engage in that activity even if you think it might help.”

Research has shown that stress is a contagious emotion, and a recent study out of the University of California San Francisco found that even babies can catch those negative feelings from their mothers. In order to promote healthier thoughts, Humphreys advises attempting to refocus the narrative instead of commiserating together.

6. “Have a drink -- it’ll take your mind off of it.”

That cocktail may take the edge off, but when dealing with anxiety disorders there is a greater problem to worry about, Humphreys says. Doctors and prescribed treatments are more of the answer when it comes to dealing with the troubles that cause the panic. “Most people assume that if someone has a few drinks, that will take their anxiety away,” he said. “In the short term, yes perhaps it will, but in the long term it can be a gateway for addiction. It’s dangerous in the long term because those substances can be reinforcing the anxiety.”

7. “Did I do something wrong?”

It can be difficult when a loved one is constantly suffering and at times it can even feel like your actions are somehow setting them off. Humphreys says it’s important to remember that panic and anxiety disorders stem from something larger than just one particular or minor instance. “Accept that you cannot control another person’s emotions,” he explains. “If you try to [control their emotions], you will feel frustrated, your loved one suffering may feel rejected and you’ll resent each other. It’s important not to take their anxiety personally.”

Humphreys says it’s also crucial to let your loved ones know that there is a way to overcoming any anxiety or panic disorder -- and that you’re there to be supportive. “There are ways out to become happier and more functional,” he says. “There is absolutely a reason to have hope.”

Source:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/17/things-not-to-say-to-some_n_4781182.html

7 Ways to Start Being True To Yourself

Every time I've been less than proud of myself or my work, it was because I believed the story that I needed to be somebody other than who I am — usually someone else who was doing “it” better. What I thought I needed to be has varied widely, from more hip and chic to more radically feminist and butch, to more mystical, more Buddhist, more, more, more.

This morphing and twisting of myself caused me such deep pain and slowly made me wake up and ask: how do we choose and live our truer lives? How do I live my truer life? If it's not about finding an identity and locking it down, and it certainly isn't being who you think you should be, then what exactly is it?

Each of us must grapple with this question; otherwise, we won’t live the life we're meant to live. Here’s a couple of “grappling” ideas I’ve found indispensable if you find yourself wondering and wandering.

1. Realize that choosing your life isn't automatic.
It’s learned. That’s one of the reasons we try on different identities as teenagers and into our early 30s. This is normal and important! Don’t believe something is wrong with you when you aren’t sure what you want or who you are. It’s vital to wonder, "What is true for me?"

It’s only through conscious experiences — not reading books or giving up choice to someone else — that you discern, “Yes, this feels true to me,” or, “Yes, this is the gift I was born to develop,” or, “Yuck, run away.”

2. Develop skills to manage fear.
Fear is the sidekick to living a truer life. Fear isn’t going to go away some magical day when you know for certain you're doing the right things, living the exact right life. It may get quieter for a time, you may feel more devotion than fear, but then it will swell up and threaten to send you into hiding. Get good at managing fear, especially on a body level. Yogic breathing is helpful, as is cognitive therapy, kind self-talk, and keeping the caffeine and sugar to a minimum. Whatever you use, stock your fear management toolbox well.

3. Inquire often.
Whether you do so after meditation once a week, in your journal every morning, or on a quarterly retreat, it’s vital to step back from your life and ask, “Is this really my life I’m living? Am I following what has heart and meaning for me (to quote the great late Angeles Arrien) or what I think should have heart and meaning?”

4. Use your body as a barometer. 
It never fails to astonish me, but my body can’t lie. If I'm choosing something that's leading me away from my truer self, my body loses vitality. I often get sleepy, fuzzy, distracted. When I’m choosing to move toward truth and wholeness, I sit up straighter, my eyes widen, I feel more alive. Notice the signals your body sends you. Learn their language.

5. Know that following, not arriving, shapes you.
Notice I use the word “truer” rather that true. Living your truer life is an endless adventure. Life unfolds and you respond. Responding, journeying, and taking action is what shapes you into the person you are meant to be — not arriving at the destination you imagine will complete you and make you enough.

Being in relationship with your life is where the shaping happens. For example, getting this post done and published won’t get me anything, whereas writing it with care and truth will enliven and teach me.

6. Keep a council of peers.
I’ve been lucky enough to be part of a group of peers for eight years. We started as a business support group for coach/writer/self-employment types, and over the years we've grown into a clear mirror for each other, reflecting back when we forget who we are, helping us heart correct much faster. We're just not reliable witnesses of ourselves. Start with a good coach, regular check-ins with one or two friends you trust, a sister, a parent, a pastor. But start somewhere.

7. Trust what brings you alive.
Not the surface feeling of aliveness we can all settle for, maybe in the form of praise or checking a bunch of things off our to-do list. Instead, search out daily what brings you a sense of connection to life, to something larger than yourself. Let that enliven and inspire you.

For me this morning it was watching a mixed flock of migrating birds in our backyard with my husband. The cool, almost fall morning on my face, the flicker of the birds moving fast through the alders, Bob naming the various birds. Allowing myself to receive this encounter fully brought me alive. Trusting that, without needing to know what it meant or what I would do with it, makes up more and more of my life. It is so simple if we allow ourselves to experience it.

I believe constantly choosing to live your truer life is a giant act of service. I believe when we devote ourselves to learning the skills and creating the communities where this is possible, hatred, social injustice, and inequality will diminish. When we accept and expand who we truly are, we are more comfortable with other people being who they are and more motivated to take actions that make that freedom available to more people.

May it be so.

Source:  http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-15149/7-ways-to-start-being-true-to-yourself.html

12 Ways To Be The Meanest Mom In The World

When your kids tell you you’re mean, take it as a compliment. The rising generation has been called the laziest, rudest, most entitled kids in history. Don’t give up. They may think you’re mean now, but they’ll thank you later.

Once, I walked out of the store without giving into my child’s tantrum for a cookie. A woman stopped me in the parking lot and told me I was the best parent in the shopping center. My daughter wasn’t so sure. When your kids tell you you’re mean, take it as a compliment. The rising generation has been called the laziest, rudest, most entitled kids in history. The stories about spoiled rotten kids scare the best of moms. Newsflash: it's not just the kids, it's the parents. It’s easy to want to throw in the towel with your own kids. After all, don’t we all want to be the cool mom? Don’t give up. They may think you’re mean now, but they’ll thank you later.

Here are 12 ways to be the meanest mom in the world: (Moms shouldn't have all the fun. Here are 13 ways to be the most annoying dad on the planet.)

1. Make your kids go to bed at a reasonable time
Is there really anyone who hasn’t heard how important a good night’s rest is to a child’s success? Be the parent and put your kid to bed. No one ever said the kid had to want to go to bed. They may put up a fight at first, but with consistency, they'll learn you mean business. Now enjoy some quiet me or couple time.

2. Don’t give your kids dessert every day
Sweets should be saved for special occasions. That’s what makes them a "treat.” If you give in to your child’s demands for goodies all the time, he won’t appreciate the gesture when someone offers a sweet gift or reward. Plus, imagine the dentist and doctor bills that may result from your over-indulgence.

3. Make them pay for their own stuff
If you want something, you have to pay for it. That’s the way adult life works. To get your kids out of your basement in the future, you need to teach your children now that the gadgets, movies, video games, sports teams and camps they enjoy have a price. If they have to pay all or part of that price, they’ll appreciate it more. You may also avoid paying for something your child only wants until he has it. If he’s not willing to go half with you, he probably doesn’t want it that badly.

4. Don’t pull strings
Some kids get a rude awakening when they get a job and realize that the rules actually do apply to them. They have to come on time and do what the boss wants. And, (gasp!) part of the job they don’t even like. If you don’t like your child’s teacher, science partner, position on the soccer field or placement of the bus stop, avoid the temptation to make a stink or pull strings until he gets his preference. You are robbing your child of the chance to make the best of a difficult situation. Dealing with less than ideal circumstance is something she will have to do most of her adult life. If children never learn to handle it, you’re setting them up for failure.

5. Make them do hard things
Don’t automatically step-in and take over when things get hard. Nothing gives your kids a bigger self-confidence boost than sticking to it and accomplishing something difficult for them.

6. Give them a watch and an alarm clock
Your child will be better off if he learns the responsibility of managing his own time. You’re not always going to be there to remind her to turn off the TV and get ready to go.

7. Don’t always buy the latest and greatest
Teach your children gratitude for, and satisfaction with, the things they have. Always worrying about the next big thing and who already has it will lead to a lifetime of debt and unhappiness.

8. Let them feel loss
If your child breaks a toy, don’t replace it. He’ll learn a valuable lesson about taking care of his stuff. If your child forgets to turn in homework, let him take the lower grade or make him work out extra credit with his teacher himself. You are teaching responsibility — who doesn’t want responsible kids? They can help remind you of all the things you forget to do.

9. Control media
If all the other parents let their child jump off a bridge, would you? Don’t let your kids watch a show or play a video game that is inappropriate for children just because all their friends have done it. If you stand up for decent parenting, others may follow. Create some positive peer pressure.

10. Make them apologize
If your child does something wrong, make her fess up and face the consequences. Don’t brush rudeness, bullying, or dishonesty under the rug. If you mess up, set the example and eat your humble pie.

11. Mind their manners
Even small children can learn the basics of how to treat another human with respect and dignity. By making politeness a habit, you’ll be doing your kids a huge favor. Good manners go a long way toward getting someone what they want. We’ve all heard the saying, "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar."

12. Make them work — for free
Whether it’s helping grandma in the garden or volunteering to tutor younger kids, make service a part of your child’s life. It teaches them to look outside themselves and realize that other people have needs and problems, too — sometimes greater than their own.

With all the time you spend being mean, don’t forget to praise and reward your children for their stellar behavior. And always, make sure they know you love them. Here are 10 things a mom should tell her kids every day. With a little luck, your kids can turn the tide and make their generation one known for its hope and promise.

by Megan Wallgren

Source:  http://www.familyshare.com/12-ways-to-be-the-meanest-mom-in-the-world

Being a Stay-at-Home Parent is a Luxury...For Your Spouse

The other day, I read an article in the Washington Post about a stay-at-home mother who was having a rather hard time adjusting to answering the ever-popular question, “What do you do all day?” now that the kids were at school.

It’s a topic that has been on my mind lately as I watch in bewilderment as my children seem to insist on growing up at rates that surely I did not approve of when I signed my parental contract. I look at my youngest — my seven-week-old baby girl — and I swear my mind is already flashing to the day (tomorrow, probably) that I will be kissing her good-bye on her first morning of kindergarten.

But back to the task at hand. As I read the article, I scrolled through the comments, anticipating that there would be some doozies in a post about a stay-at-home mom basically proclaiming that she doesn’t feel guilty for doing absolutely nothing all day when I came across this truly remarkable comment:

“I work full time, and my husband is a stay at home dad. We have two kids in school full day (8 to 3). Don’t you realize how much easier it is to hold a full time job when you have someone home with the kids? I can work late and travel when I need to and not worry about the kids. Our weekends are spent relaxing, instead of racing around to get errands and chores done. I can go back to work on Mondays having actually recharged over the weekend. It feels like such a luxury to ME to have a stay at home spouse.”

I was flabbergasted.  Dumbfounded.

Perplexed that in all of my years as a stay-at-home/write-at-home mom, I’ve always been fighting the thoughts that I’m not doing enough or being enough. I’ve always felt I honestly owed the world some sort of explanation for being at home. That I’ve had to throw around the fact that since I stay at home we make sacrifices as a family — like not having cable! I’ve felt I had to bake pies so that the world would know I’m not a worthless member of society. And in the midst of all that mental clutter and guilt it had never, ever crossed my mind that staying at home wasn’t “just” a luxury to me …
But also a luxury for my husband.

And suddenly, when I read those words, it all made sense. Well, of course, it would be a luxury to the spouse who works out of the home to have a partner who stays at home with the children. Someone who is always there to take care of the inevitable days of sickness, arrange the doctor’s appointments, make sure the cupboards are stocked, and heck, to ensure that no one steals the FedEx package off of the porch. And then — goodness! — to have someone to save you the worry of sending your kids into the world, someone to always be there to kiss a scraped knee and take care of the potty training and maybe even have a hot meal waiting for you when you come home?

Imagine that.

I realized, in a rush of amazement, that I had spent all of our marriage feeling just a tad bit guilty for being the one who “gets” to stay home. I’ve pushed away the shame of staying snuggled up in my warm covers in the morning while my husband trudged off to work in the snow and I’ve felt the absurd need to pack a million and ten activities into my day so I could list them off to my husband when he came home in an attempt to convince (who really? Mostly myself …) that I was “productive.”

I realized, for the first time ever, that I didn’t have anything to prove. That I had been working so hard to work from home and always have it spotless and do all my educational activities with the kids because it was my job and I’d better darn do a good job of it if my husband had to work, that I never stopped to consider that my being home with our children could actually be a gift to my husband.
I’m actually writing this very article on a rare morning “off,” courtesy of my husband having the day off of his work. I’m sitting in a café, writing for the two hours between my daughter’s feedings. And, in fact, I just now called my husband, who had volunteered to be me for the day so I could work, to ask him what his thoughts were on the topic and to ask if he would give me a quote to include for the piece.

In the background, I heard my daughter crying, the two-year-old whining at his leg, and the four-year-old singing happily at the top of her lungs, having just returned home from preschool pick-up. I pictured the scene I had left this morning — four loads of laundry left undone from the weekend, the house a complete disaster, eggs still caked on the pan from breakfast. Sweetly, I asked him for a quote — did he ever consider me staying home a gift to him?

“What?!” he asked frantically, desperation creeping into his voice. “I don’t know, do I have to give you a quote right now? I mean, she’s crying and I’m trying to make mac and cheese and if I could just pick her up maybe she’d stop crying and …” he trailed off, seemingly too overwhelmed to finish his train of thought.

I smiled — a bit too smugly, I’ll admit. Because I think I had my answer. Being me for the day isn’t so easy. And having him there so that I could be elsewhere working … well, it really was a luxury. And a gift.

by Chaunie Brusie

Source:  http://www.babble.com/relationships/being-a-stay-at-home-parent-is-a-luxury-for-your-spouse

How Did You Brainwash Me?

When people ask, “Why do women stay in abusive relationships?” the answers are often too simple. There could be financial reasons, but if the abusive spouse died, would the victim wonder if they could support themselves to the point of doing nothing to advance their employability? (No.) There are the children to consider, but if the abusive spouse died, would the victim insist on finding a replacement right away? (No.)

Although finances and children are reasons victims cite for staying, the true reason they stay is a deeply implanted fear that they cannot make it in the world alone. My abuser implanted this fear so deeply in my mind that instead of recognizing the abuse in my relationship, I instead prayed that he would die.

I consciously acknowledged the fact that he made my life hell, but the thought that I could divorce him remained outside my realm of consciousness. Abuse causes sickness of the mind and body, and brainwashing sets in motion both sicknesses.

What is Brainwashing?
Merriam-Webster’s concise encyclopedia states that brainwashing is a

“Systematic effort to destroy an individual’s former loyalties and beliefs and to substitute loyalty to a new ideology or power… The techniques of brainwashing usually involve isolation from former associates and sources of information; an exacting regimen calling for absolute obedience and humility; strong social pressures and rewards for cooperation; physical and psychological punishments for noncooperation, including social ostracism and criticism, deprivation of food, sleep, and social contacts, bondage, and torture; and constant reinforcement….”

I could have asked, “What is Domestic Abuse” and posted the same definition.

Brainwashing Works Best On A Special Type of Victim
Sandra L. Brown, M.A. says in her book “Women Who Love Psychopaths” that the best victims for brainwashing are women who are:

- perfectionists, and/or
- hold themselves to high standards, and/or
- persistent, and/or
- resourceful, and/or
- goal-directed, and/or
- self-sacrificing, and/or
- previous victims of abuse or neglect, and/or
- experience dependence, vulnerability, or incompetency issues

If you are in an abusive relationship and do not recognize yourself in the first five or six bullet points, think back to the beginning of your relationship. Do you recognize aspects of who you were?

How Abusers Use Brainwashing Techniques Naturally
According to Ms. Brown’s book, abusers do not “feel” the way we normally think of what it means to feel. Due to childhood abuse or perhaps mental disorder, many if not most abusers detach from their feelings at an early age. Instead of feeling, they observe how other people behave, and then mimic those behaviors appropriately.

In this way, abusers become expert behaviorists without taking a step inside a class room. They know what works and what doesn’t work to get you to do what they want, and because they’ve detached from their feelings, abusers do not feel guilt for their manipulative actions.

This is probably why abusers cannot take responsibility for what they’ve done to you or admit they abuse you (with lasting regret). They do not comprehend that any wrong took place and may think that your fear and tears are merely a “show” designed to manipulate them, and baby, they ain’t fallin’ for it. In short, abuser’s use brainwashing techniques naturally because “the set-up” is all they know.

Lifton’s Brainwashing Technique
Robert J. Lifton was an early psychologist who studied mind-control and brainwashing. He broke the brainwashing technique down into the following categories. I’m going to change the descriptions to align with domestic abuse. (See the original list at Changing Minds.)

Assault on identity
The abuser attacks the victim’s self-identity by making statements that define the victim, eventually causing the victim to break down and doubt their own perceptions of “who they are.” ( i.e. “You’re not good with money” “You are a slut!”)

Guilt
Arguments in which the abuser expresses hurt or discontent leads the victim to feel guilty (these complaints may be completely fabricated or loosely based on fact). Eventually, these arguments cause the victim to break down and feel guilt and shame for almost everything they do and come to feel they deserve punishment.

Self-betrayal
“When the person is forced to denounce friends and family, it both destroys their sense of identity and reinforces feelings of guilt. This helps to separates them from their past, building the ground for a new personality to be built” (quoted straight from Changing Minds because I couldn’t say it any better – a.k.a. isolation)

Breaking point
The breaking point is best defined by it’s symptoms: Depression, crying jags, a nervous breakdown or panic attacks, vague overwhelming fear or explicit fears of dying or loved ones dying. Unconsciously, victims begin losing their sense of “who they are” and experience the fear of “total annihilation of the self”.

Leniency
Just when the victim can’t take it anymore, the abuser offers a small kindness. The victim feels a deep sense of gratitude (more gratitude than is justified by the abuser’s act). Does it feel like a honeymoon? Yep.

The Compulsion to Confess
The victim may feel a compulsion to offer up an act of kindness to the abuser, as if the pain the victim caused the abuser is anywhere near the pain the abuser caused the victim. The victim, knowing that nothing would make the abuser happier than to agree with the negative statements made early on, may “confess” to being exactly as the abuser said they were (“You’re right, I did act like a slut by wearing that dress” “Please take over all the bank accounts – I don’t understand money”)

The Channeling of Guilt
The victim’s overwhelming sense of guilt and shame combined with the assaults on their identity and unsubstantiated accusations cause major confusion. In time, the victim feels that everything they do is “wrong” and “I can’t do anything right!”

After the victim enters this state of confusion, the abuser can redirect the victim’s guilt toward anything the victim thinks, feels, or does. This causes the victim to wonder if everything they were taught or learned previously was “bad” and that maybe the abuser’s take on life in general is “good”.

Reeducation: Logical Dishonoring
The victim thinks, “Hey – if I am such a mess because of what I was taught, then it’s not my fault that I’m so messed up!” The victim finds relief for their guilt by thinking such thoughts, so they “confess” to their abuser more of the “stupid” beliefs they hold but now want to rid themselves of.

In this way, the victim begins to deny their own identity and willingly take on portions of the identity the abuser wants them to have.

Progress and Harmony
As the victim empties herself of previous beliefs, the hole left inside of her acts like a vacuum, sucking in the abuser’s ideas of good/bad and right/wrong. The abuse eases because the abuser sees less of “her” in her and more of “him” in her. The victim receives a pleasurable response in his lack of abuse. There’s not more love, just less abuse.

Final Confession and Rebirth
Typically, the above steps will recur repetitively in the abusive relationship. “Final confession and rebirth” cannot be reached until the victim is completely and totally brainwashed to be exactly who the abuser wished. This is the point of no return.

by Kellie Jo Holly

Source:  http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/06/brainwashing-abusive-relationships

8 Ways to Compassionately Support Someone With Depression

http://powerofpositivity.com/8-ways-to-compassionately-support-someone-with-depression/

5 Ways to Dig Yourself Out of Depression

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14551/5-ways-to-dig-yourself-out-of-depression.html